North and South

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Me: One last drink and then I’m off to the petting zoo

Her: Aren’t you too drunk to bring the kids to a petting zoo?

Me: I have kids?


[Glass slipper fits on ugly girl with same shoe size as Cinderella]

Prince Charming: Um… well. Tell ya what, I’m gonna keep on looking.


Q: Where is the safest place to be during an earthquake?
A: a hot air balloon
#JonsSafetyTips #Safety #safetyTip #EarthquakeSafetyFacts


Whenever someone with a bumper sticker cuts me off I automatically dislike the cause they support. Right now I’m not too fond of Literacy


friend: don’t look but that girl is checking you out

me: [turning around] who

Medusa: hey

friend: I said don’t look



Technology is moving so fast. My toaster just sprinted across the kitchen.


I LOVE reading the wrongly worded versions of common sayings people post on the internet. I just saw a guy comment, “Don’t look a gifted horse in the mouth.” In what way is the horse gifted? With an extra shiny coat? With impressive speed? As a piano virtuoso?


*[At the dinner table]*

“No grandma, those aren’t knitting needles. We’re having Chinese food”