@70Ceeks

north carolina to sue over bathroom bill
hillary: stop calling him that

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@FuckabillyRex

Stop talking about being sad. Use a bigger word like despondent so people will at least think you’re an intelligent cry baby.

@Skoog

[first guy to be sent to hell]

guy: so it’s just you and me?
satan: yup
guy: damn
satan: *kicks rock with cloven hoof* yup
guy: i really hope more shitty people die soon
satan: *sigh* yup

@meganamram

I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie

@Contwixt

Confidence is important.

Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.

@DaddyJew

7: can I have a pop tart?

Me: we’re going to eat dinner soon

7: this will be my dinner

Me: fine but at least have a strawberry one

@HomeProbably

The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.

@Divergentmama

As my kids get older, I am more convinced that drinking water fixes everything.

Have a stomachache – drink some water
Have a headache – you really need to drink more water
Bear attack on the way to school – I bet the bear was dehydrated, here have a glass of water

@Henry_3k

I’m not making a snap judgment of you. I’ve been following you around the grocery store for 15 minutes.

@iwearaonesie

“Don’t put it on my plate if you don’t want me to eat it!”

– me to my kid, who’s crying because I ate the playdoh burger he put on my plate