north carolina to sue over bathroom bill
hillary: stop calling him that
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Movies show people kissing in the rain but I want a guy who’ll run out there and get the cushions off the porch chairs when the weather starts kicking up.
I talk to my librarian like he’s my drug dealer.
“You don’t have it yet? I need something now; what’ve you got? But it has to be POWERFUL!”
Girl, did it hurt…when you fell from heaven? *smooshed girl bobs away making accordion sounds*
The vacuum cleaner is officially dead. Guess who’s getting a new vacuum cleaner for Father’s Day?
My favorite way to tell the DJ their music sucks is just yelling at the speaker: “ALEXA NEXT” and then making harsh eye contact with them
Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.
I do my civic duty. I vote, I give to charity, and when my teen wanted a Nirvana shirt, I made sure she knew who Nirvana was.
Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?
Server: What kind of sauce do you want for your pasta?
15: The tears of my enemies…
Kids are fun.
Mother: And where did you see this show?
Kid: I saw it on Hulu.
Mother: *raises disapproving eyebrow*
Kid: *sighs* I saw it on Whomlu.
Me: I’d kill for a donut
Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead
“Still too cold… Still too cold…”
“Screw it, I can’t be late again.”
RANGER: watch out for wolves
ME: oh ya?
RANGER: so relentless-
[wolf runs up w/ bible] HAVE U HEARD ABOUT OUR LORD & SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST
I’m an asshole.
Sent from my Apple Watch
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar
u know that video of lions hugging that man after seeing him for the first time in several years. that’s what the raccoons do whenever i visit the dumpster behind my college dorm
I’m not racist. White people scare me too.
My cousin is 3 months pregnant and my really old uncle keeps commenting on her pics “woah. any day now, Bernice” and I’m literally crying laughing
I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 🙁
My mom just told me that one of her coworkers taught a first grader who spoke in a British accent
Which isn’t that weird at all—until you take into account that his parents are from here, they have no accents & their son somehow adopted an entire dialect from watching Peppa Pig
My southern mother passive-aggressively reorganized my refrigerator in the ten minutes she was left alone with it and now I can’t find the cream cheese
My niece looks like me. She sometimes rolls her eyes or makes faces the way I do. And my brother said he can’t believe he has to grow up with me twice.
My girlfriend dumped me so i stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back.
5: I want to be like you, Daddy.
Me: Aww. Thanks, bud.
5: My back hurts. My neck hurts. My feet hurt.
Me:
5: My head hurts.
Me: I get it.
There are three types of people:
1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met
Sure, intimacy is great and all, but have you ever slept diagonally on a king size bed.
*calls into work*
“yo boss i’m real sick”
“you don’t sound sick…”
“ya, just got a new tribal tat & heelys”
“wow u do sound hella sick”
“uh… dare.”
-Pinocchio
One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?
I’m at my most ninja when the motion sensor sink don’t work.