North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn’t last an hour before they executed me.
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[at seance]
Me: We call the spirit of my dead husband.
Ghost Husband: I’m here.
Me: Move the planchette to send a message to me on this ouija board.
Ghost Husband: Ok wait. That’s just a piece of paper that says “I’m sorry” and “you were right”
You think you’ve got problems? This is what I’m having for dinner
“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”
Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview
make sure you check your drugs for candy tonight
*takes everything personally
Everyone: hey, give me that back!
Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather
Me:
Her:
Me: you study whether what?
Do I have to wear real clothes?
-my kid on the last day of school
We’re just started on a 6 hour drive and the boys simultaneously jinxed each other. They won’t talk until I say their names and they’re silently mouthing things at each other.
I just won the traveling with kids lottery.
The past two Fridays after school I have seen the same group of teens walking home with a store cake and I would like to know how I get in on this Friday cake club.
You’re not an “empath”.
You have “chronic heartburn”.
Cop: Are you drunk or high on drugs? Me: No officer. Cop: Your pupils are dilated. Me: (Paranoid) WHA!, how’d you know I teach fat kids?!
My german shepard doesn’t like dog food, so we have that in common.
West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I’ve been shot in the arm.
If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name
Goodnight 🐶
If there really was a Purge, and all crime was legal for one night, I’d probably do something super crazy, like loiter.
My neighbors hurt some bystanders by illegally setting off fireworks. If only there had been a good guy with fireworks around to stop them
DAD: wat am i chopped liver
CHOPPED LIVER: [in this joke imagine choped liver is a sentiemt being] wat the hell is that suposed to mean phil
reminder that one halloween i got an “unknown activity” alert on my security camera and it was me in a shrek costume
I’m sticking to my guns.
I really should have washed my hands after I ate.
Note to self: when cooking in the oven results will be a lot better if oven door is closed before you go and watch telly for half an hour
what’s even the ecological purpose of mosquitoes? to feed the birds ?? can’t we all just chip in like $5 each and buy a bunch of birdseeds from costco and cancel the mosquitoes ???
“Well … I’ll be dammed.”
Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.
[vet school]
ME: Welcome, students. Hope you brought textbooks because-
[spins cat on finger like basketball]
-I have no idea what I’m doing
“We need something strong and durable to protect cellphones from damage”
LG: Plastic?
Samsung: Metal?
iPhone 8: What about Glass?
I’ve had no formal martial arts training, but I know for a fact the Power Rangers are wasting too much energy on unnecessary summersaults
It’s okay, baby. I cry when people try to change me too.
If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste
I know there is something wrong with my car the old fashioned way. I smell it or hear it.
*brings change of clothes in case they serve ribs*