North Korea claiming they test fired a big rock at Russia.
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[walks into a laundromat with a bag of popcorn kernels and heads straight to the dryers]
A fun prank is to search “buy antique dolls” on someone’s computer because then all their Facebook targeted ads are creepy dolls forever
I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.
Our family motto is “Who took my phone charger?”
Don’t think that computers should be allowed to make those ‘dun-dun’ error noises at me. It’s not polite. I am trying my best.
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.
So many pants.
So little yoga.
the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy
There are two wolves inside you
webmd: wolf cancer
Me: *levitating, a jumble of furniture swirls chaotically around me*
Him: so, you still mad?
I believe in you. But I also believe in aliens, big foot, and werewolves so don’t get too excited.
I’ve been doing comedy for 12 years and I gotta say to this day the hardest I’ve ever been roasted is when a 12 year old on NBA2K said “yo, where’d you get your mic, Radio Shack?”
My wife handed me a paring
knife to slice some peaches.Apparently we don’t have
a peaching knife.
You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder
10:00: gets in hammock
10:00 to 10:20: relaxes in hammock
10:21 to 11:57: gets out of hammock
How many times do you have to click “I accept cookies” before they send you the cookies?
If GMOs can make hundred pound tomatoes why don’t I have a pet teacup elephant yet?
Me: I bought a Twix for us to share.
Wife: Thanks, but you know I don’t like Twix.
Me: *already shoving both pieces into my mouth* Oh no, I forgot.
Told the guy at the polling station I was there for the Bon Jovi tickets. Without batting an eye he said, “Floor or mezzanine?”
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot
bananaphobia: when you don’t have any nagging fears but your therapist puts you on the spot so you pick whatever you had for breakfast
“We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”
-People who have never seen a flying cockroach
Everything I learned about the Kardashians, I learned against my will.
The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken
Hugh Jackman implies the existence of a small ackman
The reviews for Cats are in (17% on rotten tomatoes), and they are spectacular.
Someone on Facebook asked what they should name a horse with a parent named Red Wine. I said Caberneigh and I keep cracking up when I think about it.
I am my target audience.
[First Date]
Her: Sorry, but your profile pic was misleading.
Oatmeal Raisin Cookie: I never *said* this was chocolate. You just *assumed*