North Korea shows that you don’t need religion to be crazy.

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Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh


Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.


SALESMAN: Can I interest you in our friends and family plan?
BATMAN: [just starts crying]


Told my 9 year old school is cancelled for at least 4 weeks due to coronavirus and he asked why scientists don’t just develop “nanorobots to go in our blood and eat the virus.” So if you lazy scientists could hurry it up he’d appreciate it thnx


“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”

~All accountants


Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.


Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.


“YOUR 15” is trending worldwide instead of “YOU’RE 15” and that’s why we haven’t found a cure for cancer yet.