North Korea shows that you don’t need religion to be crazy.
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For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.HI I’M A NERVOUS POOPER.
… Nailed it!
To be fair, I did a lot of stupid shit before I was married too. Now I just have someone who judges me for it.
A triumphant is an especially successful elephant.
cannibals be like “lose 20 pounds in a week” then eat your arm
* on my death bed
Me: One thing I want you to do for me…
Wife: Name it?
Me: I want you to marry Larry.
Wife: (pause)You sure? I thought you hated Larry?
Me: I do.
I am not a parody account. I am The Lord thy God, King of the Universe, and I am communicating by Twitter because My fax is broken.
Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.
[dog social media]
Post: *picture of a cat falling out of a tree* caption – “woof, woof, woof.”
Dog reading: hahahahahaha. *retwoofs*
This morning at 4am, I was so tired – I nearly brought an aubergine with me instead of my sunglasses
“I am out of the office. If you need immediate help please contact customer service.”
“Dude this isn’t email I’m standing in front of you.”
I like to keep our shades open at night to scare off any potential thieves with our mess
This is painfully accurate 😅
It is possible to fail a cheese-making class but you have to eat your entire final exam to find out.
I love wearing a mask, I love the anninom….annominon…anonmin…
that people can’t tell who I am
All these gift wrapping videos going viral as if your kids aren’t going to rip into that shit like feral hyenas finding a half dead zebra during a drought.
My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.
We take our lazy seriously around here.
I packed 5 oranges in 5 different lunches today and all five oranges came back home. Apparently, I send fruit on field trips.
We’re at the top of the food chain, but let’s not be too full of ourselves.
After all, some of us can be felled by a single peanut.
I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.
*hides recorder in box*
*puts box in safe*
*locks safe*
*digs 50-foot hole*
*throws safe in*
*covers hole*
[5 minutes later]
9yo: *playing recorder*
Coworker: it’s weird not having snacks in the breakroom anymore
Me *quickly shoving donut drawer closed* good how are you
Is Yoda’s last name Lay-he-hoo?
It’s a gift
If you walk into a Waffle House at any time and everyone in there is sober, there’s a small chance you’re the target of a police sting.
Women have closets full of ‘I have nothing to wear.’
[being buttered]
Me: are you sure about this
Murderer: [stops buttering] you know what I brought the wrong knife
We have one rule in this house and one rule only: nothing too lifelike that will scare you when you walk into a dark room.
Husband: Are we ordering out for lunch or eating here?
Me: I was just going to have something frozen here.
Daughter, from the other room: I WANT SOMETHING FROZEN 2.
“There are way too many people in there.”
~my 7yo’s review of Where’s Waldo