@TheTweetOfGod

North Korea shows that you don’t need religion to be crazy.

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@Vodkantots

*walks into shrink’s office with a giant jar of marbles

I FOUND THEM!!

@hamersauce

Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time

@Skoogeth

[at a dive bar]

Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.

Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.

@TheBoydP

Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.

@OllyiConic

My dentist says it’s ok to open stuff with your teeth and that flossing is “the next big scam.” He’s at my house today for a surprise checkup/to ask if he can park a car in my backyard for a few weeks “until the heat dies down.” His rates are very affordable.

@rzarosco

Ask a girl if she wants to dance. If she says yes then start shooting at her feet. Congratulations you are now Yosemite Sam

@NervousJr

Nobody tell my husband that “year round periods” aren’t a thing.

@joejwest

CONDUCTOR: Oh my dad’s in the audience
[waves to dad]
[orchestra goes crazy]

@pattymo

“And the guy’s name was Anthony WEINER? Come on” – high school AP U.S. history student, 2046

@Parkerlawyer

I represented criminals before I switched to divorce law. Not one accused murderer or drug dealer ever scared me more than the soccer mom who just found out her husband is cheating on her with the PTA Vice President.