how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose
North Korean leader Kim Jong-un got married. Proving there’s someone for every un.
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A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.
Whatever, low battery indicator. You’re not the boss of
Giving someone a Christmas card is like saying, “Hey I spent $0.99 on this and signed it, can you throw it away for me?”
My 2 yo is currently having the biggest tantrum I’ve ever seen! He’s mad I will not let him open & eat the box of candy* he found.
wife: I know it’s hard, but crying and throwing things isn’t going to make it easier
son: What’s wrong with dad?
wife: He’s trying to figure out your math homework
It’s all about perspective.
The sinking of the Titanic was a miracle to the lobsters in the ship’s kitchen.
My hobbies include humming the Jurassic Park theme song to my chickens, to make them feel more in touch with their ancestors.
“The only way I’d go to a Justin Bieber concert, is if it was a Jay-Z concert” – my 9 yr old daughter
My dog’s pissed cos I buy him Senior food. He won’t admit he’s older now. So I scratch out the “i” on each can & tell him it’s Mexican food.