@badbanana

North Korean leader Kim Jong-un got married. Proving there’s someone for every un.

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@abbycohenwl

how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose

@RobinMcCauley

A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.

@BastardProphet

Giving someone a Christmas card is like saying, “Hey I spent $0.99 on this and signed it, can you throw it away for me?”

@mamamia6212

My 2 yo is currently having the biggest tantrum I’ve ever seen! He’s mad I will not let him open & eat the box of candy* he found.

*tampons

@iwearaonesie

wife: I know it’s hard, but crying and throwing things isn’t going to make it easier
son: What’s wrong with dad?
wife: He’s trying to figure out your math homework

@iGreenMonk

It’s all about perspective.

The sinking of the Titanic was a miracle to the lobsters in the ship’s kitchen.

@cosmicbibi

My hobbies include humming the Jurassic Park theme song to my chickens, to make them feel more in touch with their ancestors.

@kellyoxford

“The only way I’d go to a Justin Bieber concert, is if it was a Jay-Z concert” – my 9 yr old daughter

@Dana_Bruno

My dog’s pissed cos I buy him Senior food. He won’t admit he’s older now. So I scratch out the “i” on each can & tell him it’s Mexican food.