North Korean leader Kim Jong-un got married. Proving there’s someone for every un.

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cats are absolutely obsessed being *just* out of reach. the illusion of access. the original celebrity


I was thinking about robbing this sperm bank, but I think they’ve already seen me coming.


*opens assassination store*
*makes a killing*


Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.


Johnny Depp is the best actor ever. You can’t even tell he has scissor hands in Pirates of the Caribbean.


I just “shaved “both my legs with the little plastic cap still on the razor and didn’t notice until I was “finished” with the second leg.

I just scraped shaving cream off my legs like ice off a windshield.


As Vladimir Putin announces he’s seeking re-election in 2018, world leaders congratulate him on his landslide victory.


[brings Kevin Bacon to a knife fight]

[Kevin Bacon gets foot stuck in a drain]

[Kevin Bacon’s about to drown]

[Everybody cuts foot loose]


Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: Gelt.
Coworker: Guilt?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.