@badbanana

North Korean leader Kim Jong-un got married. Proving there’s someone for every un.

You Might Also Like

@Muna_Mire

cats are absolutely obsessed being *just* out of reach. the illusion of access. the original celebrity

@Nahdude83

I was thinking about robbing this sperm bank, but I think they’ve already seen me coming.

@UnFitz

*opens assassination store*
*makes a killing*

@Chumpstring

Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.

@Elizasoul80

Johnny Depp is the best actor ever. You can’t even tell he has scissor hands in Pirates of the Caribbean.

@thepaulasuzanne

I just “shaved “both my legs with the little plastic cap still on the razor and didn’t notice until I was “finished” with the second leg.

I just scraped shaving cream off my legs like ice off a windshield.

@haveigotnews

As Vladimir Putin announces he’s seeking re-election in 2018, world leaders congratulate him on his landslide victory.

@ShutUpThatsWho

[brings Kevin Bacon to a knife fight]

[Kevin Bacon gets foot stuck in a drain]

[Kevin Bacon’s about to drown]

[Everybody cuts foot loose]

@OhNoSheTwitnt

Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: Gelt.
Coworker: Guilt?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.