North Korean leader Kim Jong-un got married. Proving there’s someone for every un.
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*NEW*
For BOXERS in the ring.
For lawyers writing BRIEFS.
For guitarists plucking G-STRINGS.PUNderwear ®
Comfort is No Laughing Matter™
[arguing with my wife]
WELL AT LEAST I DON’T BRING UP THINGS FROM THE PAST LIKE YOU DID LAST MONTH
kinda rude that my bank told me how much money i spent on food this month. what if i didn’t want to know that
Green beans are also called string beans so string theory is now green theory. I don’t make the rules or follow them!
[taking pregnant wife to hospital ER]
Me: Help! My wife’s having contradictions!
Dr: Don’t you mean contractions?
Wife: Never say never
[ first date ]
Me. Do you take drugs?
Him. I never touch them.
Me. Perfect. Can I have a urine sample?
I appreciate commercials that specify “shipped directly to your door” because I’m so tired of delivery people throwing packages on my roof or burying them in my yard
I just remembered today is the day when a bunch of people tweet super bowel
Corona has showed me that if we had a zombie virus outbreak, we’d all be zombies within 2 weeks.
The wife & I fought last night. Saying things that can’t be taken back. Like perishable goods. Baby food. DVDs with broken seals. Underwear.
I hope google does well on my son’s test
Urban Outfitters: the most expensive way to look poor.
men don’t eject their eyes from their sockets and yell awooga anymore
Reese’s peanut butter cups contain only 3% of our daily recommended protein. But if you eat 97 of them… wait, is that right?
Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.
For a place called a “holding cell” people sure hate to cuddle.
I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.
Ok team, today we’re …..oh
My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.
The low whispered oinking of the haunted ham awakens you at 4am, the hamming hour.
Nasa: Perseverance rover, status report
Perseverance: THERE ARE OTHER DEAD ROVERS HERE
Nasa: now calm down-
Perseverance: THIS IS A PLANET OF DEATH
A man just tried to flirt with me at work so picked up a Daddy long legs spider and carried around it on my shoulder. He left and I hope the spider never does
Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.
Watched Full House for not even a full minute & now I’m white with a credit score of 720
The key to being a good conversationalist is giving a great conversationalist room to talk
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA VALUE YOUR FRIENDSHIP TOO MUCH TO RUIN IT WITH SEX. SURE, YOU’RE ATTRACTIVE, THEY JUST DON’T SEE YOU IN THAT WAY
Donating blood gets complicated when it’s not yours. So many questions.
DATE: Did you know a octopus can slip through any hole his beak can fit?
ME: …haha no.
[Later]
ME: *tearing apart my almost-finished octopus jail blueprints*
What’s that, Lassie? Where’s Timmy? The butcher’s? I hope you’re right this time, gal, there was no sign of him at the dog run or frisbee store.
i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog