North West: Daddy what were you famous for?
Kanye: Rapping, Son. North West: mommy what
were you famous for? ((awkward silence))
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In Europe, her milkshake brings all the boys to the meter.
I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.
In the 70s they recommended drinking one full size waterbed a day.
*forgets Netflix password*
*sends email reset*
*forgets email password*
*sends reset to backup*
20 resets later:
*opens 2nd Netflix account*
I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.
ME: If home is where the heart is, I guess I live under a canopy of bloody bones.
DMV WORKER: I’m not putting that on your license.
when you lie on your résumé about your qualifications and then show up day 1
Realtors are legally required to tell you if the house ghosts are too judgy
Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”
Me: “To see if I can read minds?”
Whenever I see a couple doing yard work, I like the one standing by the bags of dirt who looks like they can’t quite believe they are outdoors and can’t fathom how they’ve gotten caught up in this terrible thing.
A bad analogy is like a cucumber
Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?
Another successful newsletter unsubscribe.
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: Pull up a chair this is going to be awhile
Her: Something’s changed in here.
Me: I put a new bulb in.
Her: Well it’s not very bright
Bulb: Okay wow I’m like right here.
My son just choked on food laughing, and I’m torn between being concerned and marvelling that one of my jokes almost literally killed someone.
Couldn’t think of the word unscented so I said unflavored smell.
“Daddy, how do you spell Budweiser?”
“Uhhh….why?”
“I’m drawing a picture of you for school.”
“Cool! It’s spelled G-A-T-O-R-A-D-E.”
Hearing those four little words always makes my day.
“Your order just shipped.”
My five year old trying to charge me $1 to listen to her play the piano now that she’s “so good” thanks to the lessons I pay for is peak capitalism.
ME: *making lightsaber noises*
COWORKER: *in next urinal* you’re getting pee on my shoes.
Pretty sure this is the only account you need right now➡️@thefunnytweeter
[interview at bank]
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I’ve been told I’m a terrible bank robber
Interviewer: what
Me: *looking at fish tank* so is that the safe?
You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.
I wanted to buy Mariah Carey’s preferred brand of mouthwash, but my wife insisted we purchase Celine Dion’s. So we split up, citing irreconcilable diva rinses.
Quinoa was invented by someone who really wanted to win at scrabble.
Studies show that if you begin a sentence with “studies show,” the internet will believe you.
I wish my credit card was like me and had 0% interest.
Nobody knows how they got cats. One day you just have cats.