@CAshmanActor

Norwegian chickens be like Bgårk

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@TheBoydP

The lady cutting my hair asked me to lift my head like I was taking a selfie. I don’t know what’s worse, her request or me knowing exactly what to do.

@ibid78

If you whisper, “we’re being watched,” you can hug a stranger for as long as you want. My record is 13 days.

@sarcasm_inc

Me: I’m hot blooded check it and see got a fever of 103!

911: Did u call earlier about having a bad case of loving me?

M: maybe

911: stop

@Jake_Vig

YOU: I murdered someone.

YOUR DOG: I’m totally cool with that. I love you.

******************

YOU: I murdered someone.

YOUR CAT: Me too.

@duumb

[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]

omg this is gonna hurt

@pinapl

When I have more than $20 in my account at the end of the month I have to wonder what bill I forgot to pay.

@spcycucumber

Just saw someone holding a sign that said “Honk 2 impeach Obama”
You’d think the process to impeach a president would be more complicated

@fillthevacuum

“Here’s the problem… You’ve got a Pokémon up there”

– me, as a proctologist

@LoveNLunchmeat

I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.

@CulturedRuffian

Don’t worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what’s going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.