Norwegian chickens be like Bgårk
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If you see white smoke coming from my chimney, I’m cooking supper. If you see black smoke, we’re ordering pizza.
Me: I want to travel
Bank account: Where? To work?
Me: *plucking hedge as my lord passes by*
Lord: oh manservant
Me: yes, my lord?
Lord: You trim this hedge with such care that when you’ve reached the end, the rest will again be quite overgrown. Thus, your toil ever continues?
Me: yes, my lord
Lord: *chuckling* delightful 🙂
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because I cheated on you
wife: wha- no it’s because you keep bringing around your friend Mike who says ‘uh oh spaghetti-os’ when bad things happen
the closet: uh oh spaghetti-os
[first day of quidditch practice]
Remember kids, witches get snitches.
Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.
Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.
Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks
I lifted up my t-shirt to check out my abs and last night’s taco residue fell out so there’s that.
I hate when I go to Subway and they barely put any toppings on.
When I take a bite, I want it to look like I went head to head with a garden, and won.
My kid told her teacher that we were late because her Mom had to poop and I see why some animals eat their young.
fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin
Sure, most of my cousins are doctors and lawyers and professors with nice houses and adorable kids but I’m the only one who can digest milk
Me: Thanks so much for the edible arrangement
GF: I sent you a dozen roses
Me: oh
GF: There’s a lot of blood coming out of your mouth
[Forest]
GF: Oh god it’s a bear!Me: *Stuffs socks down front of pants*
GF: What are you doing?
Me: Making myself look big
Bear: Well hi
Autocorrect always tries to correct JFC to KFC. Because who doesn’t naturally scream about fried chicken, when being somewhat flabbergasted or expressive in posts?
Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.
If you get on the train while people are still getting off, may your tea be forever cold
The creepiest thing about spiders is their sexual attraction to spiders.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
Couples who finish each other’s sentences have killed before and will kill again.
Overheard:
“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”
Me: In closing, your honour, you put the gem in judgement. *winks*
Judge: *blushing and smiling* What, no I don’t. Stop it.
I hope I never meet a genie offering one wish as picking between unlimited doughnuts or going to Sesame Street is gonna be impossible
doctors in 90s: really try to limit your screen time to 4 hours a day
doctors today: please for the love of God find a 10 minute stretch in your day where you’re not looking at a screen. actually nevermind. just do whatever you want. have some adderall
I put the “pro” in inappropriate
Me: I look cute today.
Camera: No.
At the store, I selected some tortillas, turned and found a woman strolling wordlessly away with my shopping cart, leading me to the realization I had left MY cart in frozen foods and just casually stolen and done 50 feet of browsing with hers, confirming I am bad at everything.
To the person crowding me in the checkout line, do you want a hug .. ’cause if you get any closer, I’m gonna assume you do and give you one.
My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.
Thanks, royal baby.