Norwegian stuntmen are like, “I HAVE TO CROSS THE FJORD,” and then they jump over the hjood.
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*offers Batman cough drops*
5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?
Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.
[starts chanting in unison]
In Unison! In Unison! In Unison!
Government Official: I don’t know what he wants, all I know is I don’t like it.
how did people track fundraising before the invention of the thermometer
“We want to take our engagement photos here at the library.”
“That’s fun. Are there parts of the library that are especially meaningful to you?”
“Not really, we never use the library.”
“Then why take your pictures here?”
“We want people to think we’re people who use the library.”
The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?
[at funeral]
“my phone is vibrating”
want me to create a distraction so you can answer it?
“no, are you craz-
*points at casket* HE BLINKED
Back-to-school tip for parents: while not explicitly forbidden, it is frowned upon to spray champagne on the hood of a departing school bus.
Unfortunately, my fear of moving stairs is escalating.
Love is for stupid people who don’t have Twitter.
Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal
bank robber: ok listen up this is a robbery, everybody be cool [to me] take off those sunglasses
me: first of all, i can’t do both
sorry im late, i photoshoped myself as every member of Slayer
584.
[reading the bible but getting impressed by the wrong parts] woah this guy had 12 friends in his 30’s
For job interviews, your best bet is to dress as a pizza delivery person, march in and say “Who ordered DILIGENCE and ATTENTION TO DETAIL!?”
Motion to replace the Supreme Court with a Burrito Supreme
If any of you are going Black Friday shopping this week please try and be a decent human being and turn your phone horizontal before recording any fights.
Throwback to this Gorilla in a pool dancing to Maniac.
Though built to help exterminate all human life, XJ719 really wanted to be a gold medal-winning Olympic athlete.
And 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘯 exterminate all human life.
When you’re single and decide to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day.
[Last supper]
Jesus: Same time next week guys?
*they all nod*
Judas: I’ll book a table for 12
Jesus: you mean 13
Judas: yeah..13, I meant 13
I just died 😂😂😂😂😂
I’m impressed by girls who paint their eyebrows on. How do you pick one facial expression for the whole day? Like what if you find a penny?
Just farted loudly outside my office before checking to see if anyone was nearby. Nobody was. It’s called the #edge, & I am #livin on it
Cool puppy. What’s his name?
“Patches”
Aww, that’s a cute name. Because he has those spots?
“Nah…it’s cause he’s trying to quit smoking”
Listen if we’re still single in 10 years do you wanna get hitched?
My cat:…
Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.
My kids have started saying things to us like “You’re 41 now, you should be able to sit through dinner”. Touché kids, touché.