Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

That’s classic.

DATE: I want someone that’s mysterious & really into nature

ME: [leaves]

friend: wanna see a magic trick

person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you

ME: *looks up from tarot card* So is Death laughing at a smoldering corpse a good thing?
PSYCHIC: *wide-eyed* At this point, I don’t know.

I’m going to be a piñata for Halloween: nearly broke & full of candy

U U U U U U

An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.

Wife: “How did your first day as a lifeguard go?”

Me: “Amazingly well, thanks. Everyone was so friendly and waving at me.”

[scooby doo’s wife walks into the kitchen and slams a pile of legal documents onto the table. scooby looks up in shock]

scooby: RIVORCE???

Autocorrect is why I have crust issues.

My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok

My house looks like I’m losing a game of Jumanji.

I’m white, but not “I’m gonna check out the spooky sounds in the basement” white.

A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.

You have been warned.

Last night,my friend changed all my contacts in my phone.I’ve been texted by Batman Donatello,Hermione Granger.I have no idea who they are.

Thank Satan it’s Monday.

Me: I’m terrible at fractions

Also me, at work: In another 23 minutes I’ll be 64/73rds through the day

Whenever I shut down my computer, it asks, “Are you sure you want to shut down your computer?” Then I wonder if it knows something I don’t.

i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face

My husband laughed at one of my jokes and said I’m funny, and now I’m sus, like just how many Amazon packages are getting delivered to him today.

Her: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.

Me: You do realize I’m your boyfriend right?

Eddie’s only other nemesis is our standard poodle, Charlie. Eddie has hated Charlie since he was a pup who mocked Eddie by being faster than him (see video from 7 yrs ago). Since then, Eddie has chased Charlie relentlessly, although Charlie has no idea he’s being chased.

Does the smell of burnt hot dogs and sour bologna turn you on? If so, I work with a guy that I’d like you to meet.

[Olympic Swimming]
CANADIAN ANNOUNCER: I feel bad for the water look how hard they’re kicking it.

How to lose a gf:

Gf: which of my friends would be the most fun to have a 3some with?
Me: *names two of them*

Nurse: strip down to your underpants

Me: ok *removes pants to reveal second pair of pants*

Patron: I’ll have the french toast

Waiter, donning a beret and raising a glass: oui oui, mon amie

Me: ‘Alexa, set the timer for 90 minutes.’

Alexa: ‘What are we burning tonight?’

They say the camera adds 10 lbs.

Looks like fast food added the other 40.