HIM: My new girlfriend’s name is “Bella”. That means “Beautiful” in Italian.
ME: It also means “War” in Latin…so good luck with that.
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Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?
My DNA results came back and apparently I’m .0002% aardvark. Which pretty much answers all the questions I’ve ever had. About anything.
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
never under-estimate the power of getting a new phone number
Hubs: I think we should buy a new camper.
Me: What’s the matter with you? You’re just gonna say that right in front of my phone?
*Facebook timeline turns into solid camper ads*
You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.
For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.
[To Police Sketch Artist]
Me: “Black female…
Curvy but not fat. Athletic, I guess…
Good sense of humor…
No kids — no divorcees either. Umm.. Must like dogs?…”
Me: “Why have you stopped drawing?”
Shattner didn’t go to Nimoy’s funeral, and Obama’s been on the phone all weekend with the Vulcan ambassador, trying to smooth things over.
me: absolute shit technique
murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?