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@KingRainhead

When I become a ghost, Im going to leave messages in blood, but theyre gonna be overwhelmingly positive, like “You’re Doing A Great Job”

@3sunzzz

If you don’t let me in the bathroom, I can’t guarantee your safety when you pee.

~dogs, apparently

@3sunzzz

1900: Let’s filter coffee.

1950: We need to filter cigarettes.

1970: We should really filter water.

2015: I want to filter my face.

@SondraDeeMe

I don’t like to insult women, but I’m not a big fan of my boyfriend’s other girlfriend.

@brunopieroni

I know it’s called Words With Friends, but the moment you play “QI” on a triple word spot, you just became my mortal enemy.

@drewjanda

It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found

@SigneSaysSo

My pants are so tight I’m legitimately afraid they won’t fit if I miss a day of shaving my legs.

@Robert_Beau

Bartender: What will you have?
Me: Whiskey
BT: Straight?
Me: Except for that one time in college.
BT:
Me:
BT:
Me: How ’bout them Red Sox?

@withanewname

I had 13 items in the 12 items or less line, so I just put a banana in my pocket.

@Darlainky

Take a selfie with me one last time

-the sign on my casket