When I become a ghost, Im going to leave messages in blood, but theyre gonna be overwhelmingly positive, like “You’re Doing A Great Job”
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If you don’t let me in the bathroom, I can’t guarantee your safety when you pee.
1900: Let’s filter coffee.
1950: We need to filter cigarettes.
1970: We should really filter water.
2015: I want to filter my face.
I don’t like to insult women, but I’m not a big fan of my boyfriend’s other girlfriend.
I know it’s called Words With Friends, but the moment you play “QI” on a triple word spot, you just became my mortal enemy.
It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found
My pants are so tight I’m legitimately afraid they won’t fit if I miss a day of shaving my legs.
Bartender: What will you have?
Me: Except for that one time in college.
Me: How ’bout them Red Sox?
I had 13 items in the 12 items or less line, so I just put a banana in my pocket.
Take a selfie with me one last time
-the sign on my casket