Not a big conspiracy theory guy but I’m convinced that Nature Valley Crunchy Granola Bars are made by Dyson.
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That hurricane will bounce as soon as it hits LA because it can’t afford the rent.
Me: Ma’am your pet is loud.
Lady: That’s my baby.
Me: Ma’am your pet baby is loud
The Bangles neglected to mention Manic Monday is followed by Trauma Tuesday, Wacko Wednesday, and Therapy Thursday.
If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.
I ask a very tall man if he can help me reach something at the back of the top shelf in a supermarket. He kindly does.
Man: You’d better check, if it’s something only I can reach, it might be out of date.
Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.
Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.
Comets are just rocks that are like really really mad at you.
my girlfriend got annoyed at me for buying our son a whole bunch of new stuff for when he starts school because apparently “cats dont go to school” and “he cant use any of the things in that pencil case because he has paws”
My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.
Them: can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Me: Can you explain your haircut?
If you make fun of a guy named Terry and he shoots you dead, you have died of dissin’ Terry…
… don’t get up. I’ll show myself out.
Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.
beef jerky is more expensive than regular beef pound-for-pound so my salary should increase when i’m dehydrated it’s simple economics
Strangers pay me a lot of money to give them advice but let me try and tell my teenager one single thing and it’s an automatic, “You don’t know anything.”
You can break your toddler’s heart or you can explain that the dinosaur exhibit at the zoo is closed for cleaning. Choose wisely
I’d been waiting so long for my doc, when the assistant came out and called for Krokowski, I said right here, here I am and ran back before Krokowski knew what happened.
Me: I love holding your hands
Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back
*reads an article on a subject I know* This is bullshit
*reads an article on a subject I don’t know* If it’s published it must be accurate
I laughed at this way too hard.
I’ve dated a depressed lawyer and a manic musician, but now I’m dating an emotionally stable psychic. He’s wonderful. A happy medium.
VAMPIRE: ur making this weird
ME: my neck is ticklish!
Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST
Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.
“Get a parrot,” they said. “It’ll be fun,” they said. “Get a parrot,” the parrot said. “It’ll be fun,” the parrot said.
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg
[sees wife getting changed after work] you should leave them high heels on
“ohhh yeah?”
[thinking about the spider on the bathroom ceiling] yeah
me: any clue how my house burned down
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does