not a day goes by that i don’t think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven
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I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.
Mom Math:
If Child A has 2 scoops of ice cream in his bowl, and child B has 1 3/4 scoops, how many days will Mom have to hear about it?
The biggest threat to mankind is aliens somehow receiving transmissions of Xbox Live conversations and deciding to just blow up the planet.
I said I couldn’t care less, but look at that… you proved me wrong
The hardest part of parenting is sharing the chocolate chip cookies. And your heart walking around outside your body. But mainly cookies.
Please enter new password
Me: Candy123
Password shouldn’t be similar to previous password
We recommend this password
J:$aBhh?/@‘c,2.”1f3&,0LP?!477F.91$uMe: Candy123!
Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs
Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.
The best thing capitalism has done is put a little window on pasta boxes so the noodles can look out at the world.
PATIENT: I’ve been so stressed out lately. What can I do?
DR DOG (tail wagging like crazy): Studies show that petting dogs relieve stress
Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ☺️
Maternity.
Sounds like you’re going to be pregnant forever.
me: you’re only giving me this job because i’m your husband, this is nepotism
wife: shut up and take the trash out
“I see you’re going somewhere. Guess I’ll walk right in front of you.”
— kids, pets, spouses
[Grocery Store]
Wife: Why do we need 12 baskets?
Me: *takes idioms very literally* One for each egg.
Wedding invites are always like: we reserved a block of hotel rooms at a discounted rate of $3,000 a night so book soon! No kids so please leave them at home or in the car. Also the closest airport is 4 hours away. Can’t wait to celebrate our love with you!
Two words from the historical lexicon:
boondoggle: an entirely unnecessary or futile undertaking.
hornswoggle: to bamboozle or deceive.
A hornswoggling boondoggle has a nice ring to it.
When I’m at the supermarket and knock on a watermelon, I honestly do not know what I am listening for
named my phone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with glasses on either.
*Opens Twitter*…..scrolls 4356 tweets….*checks for abs*
Me [double-clicking a word to select it]
Microsoft Word: are you trying to select this entire sentence?
Me: no, just the one word
Microsoft Word: ok are you trying to select the entire paragraph?
Me: no, just that word…
Microsoft Word: ok I’ll just delete this entire page
Establish dominance by saying “I thought you’d say that” in response to everything anyone says to you.
Cop: Where were you on the night of July 19th 2009?
Me: Well I had diarrhea that day
Cop: That was 10 years ago. How do you remember that?
Me: *slamming fist on table* I have diarrhea every day
I have a joke about trickle down economics.
99% of you won’t ever get it.
Friend: I get my kids to eat their vegetables by making up cute names like ‘caulipower’ and ‘broccoli trees’.
Me: I get my sons to eat their vegetables by saying, “Eat your damn vegetables.”
Always the camel, never the toe.
Take your husband’s last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You’re the husband now.
Being an adult is like being in a Quentin Tarantino movie. It starts off real cool, there’s a lot of cussing, it’s very confusing, everyone dies.
Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub
Missing someone and wanna meet them? Just wear the worst clothes you own and go to the supermarket. They’ll run into you.