you’ve heard of fomo now get ready for fobi (fear of being included)
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“Grey’s Anatomy” but it’s told entirely through the lens of the hospital’s HR department.
No, YOU forgot you colored your hair and nearly screamed because there was a strange woman in your hotel bathroom.
Me, eating catfish: This looks nothing like it did on the menu.
Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here
[having sex]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: I’ve been wearing the same underwear for weeks
HER: no, I mean-
ME: I drink my own bath water
Producer: This is a complete ripoff of Sesame Street.
Me: How so?
Producer: For starters, it stars puppets you refer to as “Moppets” named Large Bird, Herman the Toad, The Archduke, Alma, and Kurt & Arnie. And you call it…?
Me: Poppy Seed Blvd.
Producer: Get out.
What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool
You love him. Your parents approve him. He buys you flowers and chocolate. He wrote you a poem that rhymes “wood” with “food.”
Thinking about getting my dog fixed. Shouldn’t be too expensive. Just needs an oil change and a new timing belt.
*shaking fist, cursing my blood enemies* May it rain hard on your school poster project due date. And…and…May your magic marker block letters run!
“Keep pumping until something happens.”
-Home Depot guy teaching me to prime the snow blower says the first thing I’ve understood.
COP: Know why I stopped you?
“Drag racing?”
COP: Nope.
“Speeding?”
COP: Definitely not.
“Cuz I’m on a unicycle?”
COP: That’s the one.
🎶 I’m a joker
I’m Al Roker
I’m a forecast broker
Looks like Tuesday there’ll be sun 🎶
He stares up at the sign, tears streaming. Arthur “Pantless” Jackson smiles. The search has taken him 10 years and to 14 countries. He opens the door. The clerk looks up from his phone. “Can I help you?” he asks. “Yes,” says Arthur, “I’m Jackson, and I believe you have my pants.”
A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it’s stuck in my wiper.
I guess I don’t have to stop to get supper tonight.
Darth Vader- Dark Lord
Ranger- park lord
Neighbor’s dog- bark lord
Marty Byrde- Ozark lord
Noah- ark lord
Twitter celebrity- checkmark lord
DEA chief- narc lord
Brandon- Stark lord
Sarah Silverman- snark lord
Mikhail Gorbachev- birthmark lord
Don’t mess with grandma when her bodyguard is near.
“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”
– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said
I bumped into a cute guy today.
I clawed his face off.
I should work on my people skills.
Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I think we’ll all still be using mirrors, five years isn’t that far off
Me: “What’s your favorite shoe brand?”
Person: “Converse.”
Me: “We’re already talking.”
Perverts have made it so you can’t even park your makeshift surveillance van conspicuously outside girls’ college diving team meets anymore.
Me: I really want to go travelling
My bank balance: like…around the house?
Instead of saying “I’ll use the wheelchair ramp,” I like to say “I’m hitting the slopes.”
Obviously, it would be hugely childish & wrong to chuckle at Linus & Florian, the backbone of Germany’s hockey team.
Au: gold
Fe: iron
Si: silicon
Ur: my fire
My: one desire
Blv: when i say
I: want it that way
I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.
Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.
It’s like 10,000 goons
When all you need
Is a knight