my favorite six seconds of every contemporary horror movie is when they try to solve the problem with their phone and verbally recognize that they are out of their cell provider’s service area
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Will Smith: “Jaden, I want you to star in this 100 million dollar movie with me”
My Dad: “Shut up and hold this flashlight Steve”
*15 seconds into makeup application*
I’m bored. This is good enough.
I’m not saying I’ve gained weight, I’m just saying I don’t think my belt buckle should be facing the ground…
Me: *putting on docuseries about the “Yorkshire Ripper”*
Husband: isn’t that the guy who made weird pudding out of people?
if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back
yesterday at the farmers market when i was buying cucumbers, the old man selling them asked what i planned on doing with them & for a second I was like 👀 👀 👀 until he continued by asking if i was going to just eat them or pickle them because one kind is sweet and one kind is…
Boss: You need to work on your puncuality.
Me: Sorry, but commas, are hard, to place.
Boss: ….?
I’ve had a few people on this site respond to something they disagree with with “I expected better from you”, and I’m like “why?”
*goes to wedding*
*gives the couple 2 coupons for a free Big Mac as their wedding gift*
*walks away feeling really good about this decision*
Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe she studied abroad for one semester and came back with an accent.
In lieu of burial, Mr. Peanut will be dry roasted and his remains will be scattered on the floor of a Texas Roadhouse.
My girlfriend has started pronouncing the word “pedant” “pendant” as a kind of accusation, taunting me, daring me to say something
“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.
Told my mother that I have a problem with self-loathing. She said at least I’m a good judge of character.
Open-heart surgery is much simpler than most people realize. The key is not to get hung up on whether or not the patient survives.
I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality
Finally, I can just walk around every day covered in feathers.
UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.
Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.
Genie: ok, this is your last wish
Me: Could you speak up a bit?
Genie: YOU IDIOT!
Well there goes my Wednesday night.
First 20 minutes driving through farm country: “Isn’t this pretty?”
Next 3 hours: *can’t remember a life before corn*
the sexual tension between me and an extra hour of sIeep
me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me
murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction
I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.
A woman just dropped a £10 note next to me. I thought, ‘What would Jesus do?’, so I turned it into wine. I bought wine.
Kids got tired of fighting in the house and online, so we got a pool.
Sometimes, when he’s really pissed me off, I like to log into his Netflix account and rate every romantic teen drama five stars.
“Emergency Defibrillator”
As opposed to the one we keep around for fun?