Not all clowns are creepy. Many are just honest, hard-working operatives of Satan.

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my accountant: look at ur currently monthly budget:

· RENT: $800
· GAS: $200
· CHEEZ-ITS: $2,750

me: ur right, i need a cheaper place.


Home Alone (1990)

A know-it-all, suburban elitist cruelly humiliates two economically anxious men, seeking to improve their lives


GOLDFISH: hi dog

DOG: hi grayfish

GOLDFISH: hi dog

DOG: u said that already

GOLDFISH: said what


*sets cauldron over crackling fire*
*adds lock of his hair*
*does magicky stuff*

Now love me.


*my left eyebrow falls off*


*taps Canadian
*mumbles “Apple starts with…”
*whispers “Your blood type?”
*mutters “Best grade?”
*runs away


Sounds like @rickygervais is an arachnophobe, and you know what that means: Deep down inside, he’s a spider.


[friends chatting in back of my car]
“im good at impressions”
how good?
in satnav voice: “turn left”
[i drive us clean off a bridge]


Two things I will never understand the appeal of:
1) Open relationships
2) Hairless cats