Not all clowns are creepy. Many are just honest, hard-working operatives of Satan.
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Has anyone tried flipping to the beginning of 2020 and choosing a different adventure?
My parents moved a lot when I was younger.
My sister and I always managed to track them down though.
It’s not you, it’s me.
-Twins looking through old photographs.
CDC: You can take your mask off if you’re fully vaccinated
AMATEUR VENTRILOQUIST: Goddammit
Rather than waste money on charity for the homeless, let’s invest in splicing their genes with snails so they always have their own shelter.
I’ve walked so much today my pigeons are killing me
Stop pronouncing it “Caribbean.” Everyone knows it’s “Caribbean.”
Whoa I’m floating! Am I…dead?
“No it’s a dream”
What a relief! Wait. Who said that?
Grim Reaper: (mutters) shit
Uh nobody go back to sleep
Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.
Cheers Twitter.
A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone
If they didn’t want to see me twerk at this PTA meeting they shouldn’t have asked if I had any skills I could bring to the table!
My mom said if she’d known grandchildren were so fun she would’ve skipped a generation so I loaded the kids with candy and left them at her house.
Hey doofus, the fashion police called.
Your father died last night on duty.
He wanted you to have this.
“Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*
My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.
Vampire: I can bite you…
Me: Sweet!
Vampire: … and give you eternal life!
Me: Stop threatening me!
Neighbor: I need to run to the store. Can you watch the baby?
Me (thinks of Daredevil cued up on Netflix): I am a registered sex offender
GHOSTBUSTER: so wait, you called us because your neighbor painted his fence purple?
ME: it’s strange, weird, and it doesn’t look good—your lyrics couldn’t be more clear about this
*skinny dips into black hole
Life hack: ask telemarketers and phone scammers to go steady seconds into the conversation and never be bothered again OR now you found love
The great thing about having four kids is having four people to watch me bring in the groceries all by myself.
me: hey can we pick up my mom on the way to church
uber: sure
me: cool I’ll cancel the hearse
A cop pulled me over because he thought I was talking on a cell phone but really I was just rubbing a slice of pizza on the side of my face
gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake
Dropped the ice cube tray. Made a mess at first, but now it’s just water under the fridge.
Me: (drawing sword) where do you want to eat
Wife: (brandishing battle axe) idk where do you want to eat[an eagle shrieks in the distance]
Cleaned bathroom sink half hour ago. Then trimmed mustache over sink. Oh … That’s what all those women I lived with were complaining about.
This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.
Taliband
I knew this girl, she’s really deep; she’d always find a reason to preach about how size does matter…