BOSS: biggest weakness?
ME: I never know when to quit
BOSS: that’s ok, ur hired
ME: I quit
“Not all guys wearing Flannel shirts are Lumberjacks.” *hits tree with axe* ” Take me for example. I just hate trees.”
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I threw caution to the wind.caution is my little brother.
‘I just need like two minutes!’
*pushes cart from 20 feet away into cart corral perfectly*
“did you see th-*wife is already calling parents to take the kids for the night*
Friend: [showing baby photos]
Me: Ah yes, very baby
Cute guy: hey how’s it goin
Me: YES I ALSO LIKE BLUEBERRIES
Me: THEY’RE ACTUALLY PURPLE WHEN YOU SMUSH THEM
Cute guy: *backing away*
Me: I HOPE DROGON IS OKAY
“I want to take you home, pull off your jacket, run my hand down your spine and curl up with you on the couch.” — bibliophiles, to books
Remember: If you don’t post a first-day-of-school picture of each child on Facebook, the state will come and take your kids away.
FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.
My dog is so passive-aggressive. She let me sleep in late this morning, but then counter-surfed and stole my breakfast.