Not all heroes wear capes…
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Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic
I don’t get it. Rock beats scissors but no one says shit about running with them.
the matrix is a movie about the hottest people in the world using the computer
Marry someone who loves Hawaiian pizza so you can just get your own good tasting pizza all to yourself.
WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.
Me: If you can’t wear white after Labor Day why do people dress up as ghosts for Halloween?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
Kids: What’s for supper?
Me: Well, I didn’t have the ingredients to make a traditional Irish boiled dinner, so I’m just using what we’ve got.
[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE THERE 6 HOT POCKETS BOILING ON THE STOVE
We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.
PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people
Me:”If you ever give me another gift with ‘some assembly required’, you’re dead to us.”
6:*writing thank you card* But, um..
Me: Write it!
“There are 2 seats. Which one do you want?”
“Right one for me.”
“And you?”
“Am I left with any choice?”
Disgruntled werewolf repeatedly brought to the pound because hundreds of years of evolutionary missteps lead him to look like a cocker spaniel
A new dating show where couples have 30 minutes to meet, date, get engaged, get married, buy a house, raise 3 kids, retire, travel and die old together.
[funeral]
WIDOW: i—i just cant believe he’s gone
ME: hey [putting my hand on her shoulder] u parked ur car directly behind mine so im stuck
My grandma got her bathroom redone with this sparkly gold-specked tile and she just called it her “golden shower” so goodnight.
[millipede preschool]
head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes…
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
I’m sorry your tc cheated on you with their spouse, will you please stop writing poems now
Them: You need to eat more fresh vegetables!
Me: *going for more freshly baked potatoes* I’m on it!
One of the more important commas I’ve seen in a long time…
It’s the 20th anniversary of Infinite Jest and the 6th anniversary of my buying Infinite Jest and never getting around to reading it.
Me: I DON’T HAVE TO TAKE THIS FROM YOU!
Nurse: It’s customary to hold your newborn, sir
Website: are you a robot?
Cyborg: *sweating activated*
Wife: an asteroid is on it’s way!
Hubby: Did you order that from Amazon too?
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
Me: I feel like I’m wearing this bathing suit wrong
Store clerk: Thats a dream catcher
Bees always go straight for your Coke can because their Mom doesn’t let them have sugary drinks at home.
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
“55?”
Cop: Faster.
“217.”
Cop: Um, no, 72.
“24?”
Cop: I already told y-
“Negative 6?”
Cop: Get out.
My wife spent two weeks deciding what color to paint the bathroom. I got a cat on my 9th birthday and named it Cat.
COMCAST: have you considered getting with the world’s number one selling broadband?
ME: [thinking he meant the Spice Girls] ..all the time.