Not all heroes wear capes.
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tinder profile where the fish is holding me
If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems
5: I want to be like you, Daddy.
Me: Aww. Thanks, bud.
5: My back hurts. My neck hurts. My feet hurt.
Me:
5: My head hurts.
Me: I get it.
People love Count Chocula and Frankenberry, but I can’t get anyone to try Night of the Lemon Dead or Texas Chainsaw Massacrunch.
I think it’s weird how President Obama appointed George Clooney Secretary Of Handsome. #DNC
On the phone:
Me – Do you have brown or beige gravy for Thanksgiving?
Mom – Brown, why?
Me – No reason.
(Pulls out brown shirt for preemptive spills)
Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.
dont put all your eggs in one basket, put them in the little egg tray in the fridge thats what its for you idiot
idk what he going thru but i feel him
maybe if they didn’t want air bnb to fall they should’ve made it on the ground
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
Always remember –
If you’re having a conversation with somebody that doesn’t speak English, just talk louder.
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t tripDon’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again– me running up the stairs
An epiphany I had earlier today: Most people know nothing about the past, so for them movies like Oppenheimer and Napoleon don’t have known endings
“So after the battle of Waterloo-”
“Shut up man, spoiler warning please”
My daughter watched a trial of mine today and when it was over (expecting praise and adulation) I said, “Wellllll how’d I do?”
Her, “You sure did lead your witness a lot.”
waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
me: i’d love it
If you like someone set them free if they comeback it means nobody liked them set them free again.
I ordered a pair of shoes delivered to my house. I’m too excited to wait at home so I’m camping out at the end of my street. Send snacks?
Why does the crematorium sound so delicious?
I once got a bonus onion ring in my fries at a restaurant that didn’t serve onion rings if you’re wondering who’s top shelf around here
My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.
How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?
I just ate my weight in baked potatoes so if anyone has been thinking about robbing my house, now is the time to do it. I’m not moving anytime soon.
Interviewer: Tell me how did you hear about this job?
Me: Through sheer desperation and boredom, I applied to 215 jobs in 8 days while high and you responded
10 bucks says when Dora grows up, she’s gonna be a drug mule.
People are managing their retirement funds and I’m over here planning to call in sick the day I die
its been 20 yrs since Celine Dion released “I’m In Love With A Boat”, from the movie “Big Stupid Boat”
Don’t get upset if you hit a lot of red lights on your way to work. You’d turn red too if you had to change in the middle of the street.
Yesterday I asked my kindergartener what she did in school and she said “nothing,” then later I went on Instagram and her teacher had posted a picture of her holding a crocodile.
Types of Amazon reviews:
9,700 people: 5/5 stars. great toaster for the price!
283 people: 3/5 stars. decent toaster but can get stuck
5 people: 1/5 stars. awful quality, I ran it over with my truck and it broke
1 person: 0/5 stars. useless, I was trying to buy a blender