I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.
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tattoo artist: so you want a pair of scissors, are you a hair stylist
me: no I just hate running
PRO TIP: EAT AND GET FAT.
If anyone tries to lecture your weight eat them too.
Celebrating christmas in another country, santa leaves a chicken cutlet in my boot. “Is that good?” No one will make eye contact with me.
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
hello and welcome to Fantasy Football *Dumbledore passes ball to Frodo* *Gandalf intercepts football and eats it*
My favorite thing about babies is that none of them are mine.
“Welcome to daycare. Here’s your eye infection.”
I’ve done hundreds of crossword puzzles over the years, but just this morning I noticed they provide clues.
I need a pet that is quiet, obedient and doesn’t jump on the furniture.
I think I need a hard boiled egg.