Not all Heroes wear capes.

But HR says I do have to wear pants, which is such bullshit..

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Director: Ok, this time you have to say the butter part

Owen Wilson: wow

Director: The whole thing Owen, “Wow, I can’t believe it’s not butter”

Owen Wilson: wow


Kim – Where is North West?

Kanye – *takes out compass*

Kim – I mean my baby!

Kanye – I’m right here.

Kim – Jesus Kanye!

Kanye – Yeezus*


Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?


Me: it’s sunny! Maybe I’ll get a tan!

My face: *activate freckles*


My 8yo was putting sunscreen on my back and said “it feels like I’m rubbing a pig”, in case anyone wonders why I’m drunk later.


“Whoa! Hey there, buddy, leave me out of it. This has got nothing to do with me.”
– The Horse You Rode In On


*on the phone
Him: where are you?!
Me: I’m just waiting for the train
Him: hurry up
Me:…no problem. I’ll be waiting faster


No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”


BREAKING: California becomes first state to ban plastic bags.

People who love picking up dog shit with their bare hands rejoice.