When I can no longer read the chart at the optometrist I just start spelling 4-letter words.
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If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors
[mind reader club]
speaker:
audience:
speaker:
audience: *clapping*
There are only six months between Christmas and Easter which means Jesus was some kind of prodigy “super baby”. Most people don’t consider how much he accomplished in his short lifetime.
Found a free bandaid at the pool.
I only fight in alleys so I can put them in a dumpster after I win
[7 peaking around kitchen looking at stuff]
Me: What’s the matter, what are you looking for?
7: Can you keep it down, you’re cooking too loud and I can’t hear the TV
Him: You have such a beautiful soul.
Me: It’s photoshopped.
Absolutely no one:
The ice maker in my refrigerator: I HAVE A VOICE AND MUST BE HEARD
doctor: “how much exercise do you do per week?”
me: “um.. does sex count?
doctor: “yes”
me: “absolutely none”
Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.
Doctor: How did you get this black eye?
Me: Walked into a door
Doc: Really?
Me: I was using my phone lying down and dropped it on my face
Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”
Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”
We need more insane laws like New Jersey’s “can’t pump your own gas” rule. No tying your own shoes in Delaware. It’s illegal to make your own pancakes in Wyoming. Don’t even try to shear your own sheep in Montana. I dare you to blow up your own balloons in Tennessee
I don’t want to brag, but January was a decent year for me
[Animal Shelter]
Me: “I’m here to pick up a rescue dog.”
Her: “And what kind of dog did you have in mind?”
Me: “Well, mostly I’ll be needing him to drag me passed out drunk from buildings I’ve set on fire with lit cigarettes. So… a strong one. Oh & ideally he knows CPR.”
😂😂
My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I’m not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 😭😭😭
Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise
Satan won’t really know what hell is until I turn up with my whistle.
Roommate gets sinus infection: treats it with chai tea and three different medications.
I get the same thing: GIVE ME ALL THE WASABI. CLEAR OUT MY SINUSES WITH CLEANSING FIRE. MAKE THEM AN INHOSPITABLE DESERT TO MAN, BEAST, AND VIRUS ALIKE.
I know I’m not alone but my biggest pet peeve is when one of the residents in my home yells from the kitchen to no one in particular (me), “ARE THE DISHES IN THE DISHWASHER CLEAN OR DIRTY?”
I’ve seen the bass pro shop guy naked more than I have myself.
8: would you rather be loved on your device but hated by everyone in the real world or would you rather be loved in real life and everyone on the internet hated you?
Me: I just wanna eat my dinner in peace
My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors.
Nature show: pythons can grow over 20 feet
Me: they’re gonna need so many shoes
I’ve said it before. If Clifford was a Big Red Cat, everyone would be dead.
If someone offers you nuts by asking “Cashews?” and you don’t answer “God bless you” they will take away your dad card.
DENTIST: I need to test how sensitive you are
ME: Ok
DENTIST: You have a stupid haircut
ME *lip starts trembling*
DENTIST: I see
My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.