NOT all policemen are strippers.
You Might Also Like
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
WIFE: I’m starting to think my husband has lied about his profession.
WIFES FRIEND: Why?
[I walk through the door and hang up my McDonald’s visor]
ME: Hey honey I’m back from the lawyer factory.
I wish my car ran on shattered dreams instead of gas. I’d be able to make it to Canada on my failed ninja goals alone.
They don’t serve bacon on airplanes cause pigs are on the no fry list
Sent my husband to work with leftovers from dinner last night. His co-workers are going to be so jealous of his bowl of cereal.
Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”
[job interview]
Him: Do you have any social media accounts?
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Traffic was at a standstill until some guy heroically got out of his car, stared into the distance and threw his hands up in disgust. It started moving after that.
I arrived early at the restaurant last night. Do you mind waiting for a bit? The manager asked.
Not at all I replied.
Good, take these pizzas to table 6, he said.
RIDDLER: how’d you find my hideout?
BATMAN: a little birdie told me *winks*
SMALL BIRD MAN: *lands on his shoulder* please use my full name
Money can’t buy you happiness. But it can buy you burritos and a Slip N’ Slide. So you do the math.
This new sauté pan and I have vastly different definitions of non stick.
[Movie Theater]
Me: This Icee will last me the whole movie.
Me, immediately after previews: Ok so about that.
Who you are when a wasp gets too close to you is the real you.
They don’t tell you that it is perfectly legal to swim out into the ocean, grab whatever fish you can, & eat it on the way back
Boss “I’m looking for a volunteer.”
Me *chops off own legs “I can’t!”
Co-worker “I’m busy, sorry.”
Me “damn, that’s a better excuse.”
Why’s it called landing a husband? Are single men floating just above me like airplanes, and does getting engaged require an air traffic control certification
Know what you miss when your kid gets older? Finding random cheerios laying on every surface all over the house to just snack on.
The lack of proof that Robert Downey Jr is stalking me just convinces me that he is very good at it.
Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.
Cauliflower is just ghost broccoli.
[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]
Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster
The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.
Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”
Doctor: “40”
My biggest accomplishment this week was my AirPods surviving a trip through the washing machine. And I don’t know whether to try harder or buy a lottery ticket.
Me: Wake up
5-year-old:
Me: We’re late
5:
Me: The house is on fire
5:
Me: Your sister touched your stuff
5: *barrel rolls out of bed*
I tried a little tenderness and now I’m trying blunt force trauma.
Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.
lol so today this bookstore is having what could be its first health & safety inspection in about 258 years and reader I am crying with laughter
they sent a very helpful man who started off super cheery but 1 hour later is acting like he’s trapped in a SAW movie
Friend: I want my funeral to be a celebration of life and not sad or depressing.
Me: Screw that. I want people climbing onto my casket and asking God to take them too.