Not all relationships revolve around physical passion. Some of us are married.
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Email: You are invited to a virtual—
Me: Nope.
Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse
Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.
I was working in the yard.
Out of the corner of my eye I saw a snake.
I hit it with a shovel.
I’m happy to report the garden hose is dead
*wins $1000*
To claim your prize, create an account and password.
Ugh this will take forever, nevermind.
Stupid seal at the zoo would not sing “kiss by a rose.” REFUND!
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
Well this pretty much sums up 2020.
My dog went to the vet for a check up. they said they needed to get a pic for her profile.
I log into the portal to get results and THIS is what came up 😂
me: I think I’m losing my marbles
proctologist: I’m finding them
I’ve been attacked by a +2 Petite Pike of Pernicious Pokiness, but otherwise my dentist is very nice.
Waiter: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: just cheese dip
Waiter: ….
Me: With a straw please
Preparation, pacing, and focus are the keys to success.
DIET JOURNAL
DAY 1: A little hungry. Stayed within my calories. I can do this.
DAY 4: A humpback whale responded to my stomach growls.
[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*CHINESE WAITER: what
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: *throwing up blood*
Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?
I am 30 minutes into home schooling my 6 year old. I suggest that all school teachers are paid £1m per year from now on.
Wins the Internet today. Night, all…
[job interview]
Last test: put ur hands on the desk & don’t move [plays ‘In The Air Tonight’]
[I begin violently shaking as drum solo nears]
you’re telling me this bread has monkey in it?
I’ve never been donkey-kicked in the face before, but I have walked past my teenage son who just applied “one spray” of cologne, so same.
Me [all day]: tired
Me [1 AM & can’t sleep]: why is a baby ocelot called a kitten & not an ocelittle?
damn demi, your rap battle opponent didn’t even try to diss your clothes. what’s your secret. [camera pans out to show all-orange outfit]
[zoo]
ME: Haha…this one’s face!
WIFE: Tha-
M [bangs on glass]
W: Stop it
M [pulls funny face]
W [elbows me aside] So sorry, 2 tickets pls
me: hey what’s your ring size
her: omg why
me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future
It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.
Why use words you don’t understand in your tweets? It just makes you look photosynthesis.
Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex
I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture
I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.