Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.
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nurse: name?
me: david
nurse: age?
me: 35
nurse: sex?
me: almost once
ME: *stands by the window*
ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot
6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.
Schools: Children need consistency and routine
Also schools: Daily class times will be the lucky numbers from your fortune cookie
BREAKING: DirecTV subscribers lose The Weather Channel over fee dispute. Luckily, subscribers will keep windows, which they can look out of.
If I were a weatherman, I’d hate it when newsreaders did a story about a flood or a heatwave. I’d come on and do a forecast about crime or the economy just to give them a taste of their own medicine.
Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.
Me: Can I leave early today?
Boss: No.
Me: Can you leave early then?
Boss: What?
Me: What?
[when we’re a quarter of the way there]
Bon Jovi: OOOOOOOOOH WE-
Me: not yet Bon Jovi
when you do a big stretch & hear a crackling noise, that’s ur bones clapping because you did a good job
Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.
Please sir. my nose. it is very runny.
Generic Tissue: don’t worry. i got half of this
I have been single so long, I can finish my own sentences.
My Dr. told me about a new med he wanted me to try and offered that there are some sexual side effects to which I replied “yeah I don’t do that!” instead of nodding quietly like a normal human.
Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.
SON: I need you to check under the bed for monsters.
ME: Listen, I appreciate your confidence in me, but if there’s a monster under there it’s going to kill us both.
My wife said: Pls go to shop & buy a carton of Milk & if they have eggs, get six. I came back with Six cartons of Milk & told they had eggs.
Wife: could you just run to the-
Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT
if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.
Going to ask HR if our insurance covers back braces because I’m carrying this whole damn team
When I was a kid we once went to a neighbour’s house for dinner and she gave us purple soup and I had to eat it and that’s why I don’t like neighbours
“Describe your last relationship.”
Tired: like two ships passing in the night.
Wired: like a container ship stuck in the Suez Canal that won’t move ahead but also won’t let anyone else by.
“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.
i’m gonna start telling men i know a spot and it’s just me dropping them off at therapy
If the police don’t escort you out of Applebees then is it really a good date?
Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.
Therapist: the best revenge is to heal and move on
Me:
Therapist:
Me: are you sure, that doesn’t sound right?
sergio leone: i’m going to name my next movie after you
the good: nice
the bad: cool
me: what’s it called?
LMAO
My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.