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ACCOUNTANT: *taking a look at my books* These are just winky-face emojis.
ME: Yep.
ACCOUNTANT: I think I know why your business is failing.
me: “so when do you think we’ll see a big hairy boy?”
my hunting partner: “please call them bears”
Friends: Get married. Have kids. Get a promotion. Travel the world.
Me: Still standing in the grocery store trying to get open a plastic produce bag.
[ Dad having “the talk” with his daughter]
Dad- The best way to protect yourself is to use a condor.
Girl- You mean a condom?
Dad- * Hands her a gauntlet * Nope.
Want to know what it’s like to have kids?
1. Gather everything you own.
2. Throw it all on the floor.
3. Pick it up.
4. Repeat for infinity.
Roses are red,
except for all of the other colors of roses that have been in existence for thousands of years. Those are different colors.
The rats outside my apartment building are getting very bold. One of them just asked me for my number.
As I get older I realize my eyesight is not what it used to be.
I saw ‘whole eggs’ and read it as ‘whale eggs’ and for a minute I thought “whales lay eggs?”
Well, I made it up past 9pm, so yeah, you could say my Friday night is wild and crazy.
True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse
My favorite part about parenting is hearing things like, “Mom, you have eyes like a mongoose” from my 8 year old.
Me: what’s in these shots
Doctor: buddy I just work here
“Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist.” – God
ME: *robbing bank* More like, I’m BANKing on you not tripping the alarm! Haha!
TELLER: Haha!
COPS: *tackling me from behind* Haha!
I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.
ME: The enmity we feel toward someone with our name who spells it differently is just silly.
ALLISON: I agr-
ME: WHO ASKED YOU TWO L’s?!
I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
“No more screen-time! Don’t worry about other people think of you! No snacks before dinner! Clean up this mess immediately!”
Me, parenting, while I scroll my phone to see if people liked my posts while eating Cheetos in my dirty kitchen.
the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym
wife *buying dinosaur balloons*
clerk: Is it someone’s birthday? *smiles at toddler*
wife: It is
clerk: How old?
wife: 35
Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence
[cat clinic]
DR. CAT: What seems to be the problem?
CAT: Me-ow
DR. CAT: You need to be more specific
My car, spinning uncontrollably thru a crowd of ppl, & my Korean friend screams”HIT THE BLAKES” & I’m like”I CANT BE THAT SELECTIVE”
I failed art in middle school on purpose just so my report card would say “F-Art” and if that dedication to a vision isn’t worthy of an A+ in art I don’t know what is.
$6 for two cookies at the farmer’s market.
They better have been made using organic free range children’s tears.
i pretend i don’t care about stuff but that’s only because i have no idea what’s going on around me at any given time.
My body snaps, crackles and pops louder than my cereal.
I flossed the egg out of my teeth for this?
Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.