“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.
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*Britney Spears releases a new fragrance*
*the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*
7: [from bed] MOM!
Me: YES?
7: *mumbling
Me: WHAT?
7: *mumbling
Me: HUH?
7: *mumbling
Me: *pauses movie*
7: WHAT DOES LIGHTNING TASTE LIKE?
you miss 100% of the gossip from the phone calls you don’t answer
ah yes writing, that thing i do where i open a word document and then get up and start cleaning my entire house
My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.
If I could ask God for one thing, it would probably be power equal to or greater than his own.
12 YEAR OLD: I wrote a movie script called Suicide Squad but it’s bad *throws in trash*
HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER: *walks by trash* Hey what’s this
[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]
*makes a girl laugh*
me: can you do my taxes
I just want a man to look at me the way Doc from back to the future looks when something exciting happens.
FRIEND: Remember, women love confidence
ME: Ok[Later]
DATE: So *smiles* am I gonna have a good time tonight?
ME *confidently* nope
Apparently in order for exercise to be effective you have to keep doing it. Seems like a scam to me.
Leonardo DiCaprio is totally getting laid tonight! This has nothing to do with the Oscar, just a safe assumption to make each and every day.
Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low
[cheesecake for two at fancy restaurant]
Me: -bite-
Him: -bite-
Me: -bite-
Him -bite-
[cheesecake falls on its side]
Me: Jenga!
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok I’ll take one
[later]
duck: quick
me: I see
Signature Move
The best writer’s defense is a good writer’s offense
“I can’t find this book on the shelf.”
“I’m sorry, it looks like we don’t have that book in the library system.”
“But you had this book five years ago!”
“Sir, I had so many things five years ago.”
Wait is Venmo down too?? Venmo me I’m curious
I learned all my flirting from lizards so I just do a bunch of really fast pushups when I see a cute lizard.
I hunt* my own food.
*run down the street after the ice cream truck
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: what does that mean?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: what did you say?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: one more time my ears aren’t the best.
God: you have perfect hearing.
Dog:
God:
Dog:
God: you’re a good boy.
Dog: [tail wag] : )
He says I’m cute when I’m mad. Well he has no idea of how gorgeous I can be.
If you lean on the car horn for more than 2 seconds, the airbag should deploy and shatter your hand against your own forehead.
Someone invented a yoga mat that rolls itself. If that person reads this tweet, I have a fitted sheet I’d like for you to look at.
nature’s most graceful animal
ME: One time I was attacked by a shark
REPORTER: Wow! [turns on recorder] tell us what it was like
ME [leans in to mic] A massive fish
After a long day of weeding, I just sat down in the grass to drink some water. Suddenly I felt unnerving crawly sensations on my backside. Christ, I didn’t know “ants in your pants” was an actual thing!!! 🐜
honey, i think the milk’s gone bad
“i only bought it yesterday”
yeah well, look at this..
*milk is running a meth lab in the fridge*
Doctor: I’m sorry, I did everything I could.
Grieving Family: We just can’t believe you wasted your time getting a PhD in Philosophy.