Forget about waking me up when September ends, wake me up when Backstreet’s back, alright?
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I’m not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon but one of their drivers sent us a wedding invitation.
Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.
Halloween gig memory. Playing a nursing home. A lady in a wheelchair started inching forward; about two feet per song. She made it to the front of the stage, smiled and gestured for the microphone. I gave it to her. She yelled, as loud as she could, “GO HOOOOOOOME.” Show over!
I’m not sure about accusing someone of wanting to get into my pants. I’d like to see him try. I can hardly get into them myself..
PRIEST: Is there any reason these two shouldn’t be wed?
ME: *from the back* SHE HOLDS ONTO CHECKS FOR MONTHS & THEN CASHES THEM UNEXPECTEDLY
She texted me, “I love U”
So I texted. “I love U2….
Not their new stuff but from like the
90’s”Now my CD’s are missing.
Weird!
They say the customer is always right but the Chevy Dealer still won’t sell me a Transformer
i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot
doctor: can you bend down and touch the ground with your fingertips
me: [struggling] nope
doctor: try without the stilts
maybe i don’t ACTUALLY like bad boys im just really into alliteration
If you see my brave face, do not make eye contact and back away slowly. I haven’t worn it in weeks and I’m afraid it has gone rogue.
DATING TIP: pull out her chair at dinner & whisper “that’s not the only thing I’ll be pulling out” then pull out her napkin like a gentleman
when someone asks me my body count do they mean like ted bundy or stormy daniels.
Ever since Facebook allowed images in their comments sections people only ever communicate via pictures. We’re 21st-century cavemen.
Today I want to talk about how someone (the neighbor’s daughter) screamed so loudly about getting a new car (happy birthday) we thought someone was being murdered.
Keep the mystery alive and continue to surprise your partner by using chloroform to induce disorientation.
termite twitter scares me
[F*R*I*E*N*D*S]
ROSS {barging into Monica’s apartment}: OMG Rachel and I were walking along the San Andreas Fault and it opened up and swallowed her!!
MONICA: How could you let that happen, Ross?!
ROSS: WE WERE ON A BREAK
“I’m sorry but it’s only 7 items or less in the dressing rooms”
[octopus glove shopping] “this is unacceptable”
Therapist: Let’s go back to the start.
Me: OK, so my parents met in university…
T: No I mean the start of your problems.
M: Oh ok, so the universe expanded from an initial state of extremely high density and high temperature…
me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING
“I really wish I could squeeze that piano over and over” – guy who invented the accordion
The neighbours that overlook my garden must be religious. They’re always buying me pants with notes saying ‘for the love of God please wear these’.
Maybe the Loch Ness Monster is really just giraffes that don’t want people to know they like to swim
YOU DON’T KNOW
The human body is 70% water and 30% land
Not too proud of the sounds I just made when a mouse popped out of a bag I grabbed in the garage.
So disappointed that they canceled the New York City Marathon. This was going to be the year I lied about running it.
Officer: is there anything in your car I should know about?
Me: *remembers photo album filled with 1,000 pics of my dog* OMG YES
Me: I hurt my back really bad
Friend: How?
Me: I woke up