Not entirely sure what a “propriate” is, but apparently I’m in it…

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My new favourite thing is Italian mayors and regional presidents LOSING IT at people violating quarantine. Here’s an eng subtitled compilation. “I hear you wanna throw graduation parties. I’m gonna send the police over. With flamethrowers.” #Covid19 #coronavirus


him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say

me: same


[first day in prison]

Me: (to the biggest guy) You know what? You’re busy. I can come back.


Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.


I was in the mood for nuts this morning so I chased a squirrel for 3 miles and the little prick led me right to his stash, yum!


*Eating mini Reese’s cups*

5&7: Mommy what are you eating?

M: Dog poop.


No, actually I hate gambling, that’s why the dice on my shirt are on fire. If I see someone start to gamble I’ll burn up his gambling dice.


The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.


Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.