@juliasegal

Not even a lifetime of watching horror movies will prepare you for the 1st time your baby says “hi” and waves to the empty corner of a room.

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@CloydRivers

I do 8 sit-ups every mornin’. Might not sound like much, but there’s only so many times you can hit the snooze button. Merica.

@Trisarahjtops

Me as a detective:

[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]

[evidence catches on fire]

no no no no

@urmumsausername

*Unexpected item in the bagging area*

Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?

@Tommytoughstuff

“Not all guys wearing Flannel shirts are Lumberjacks.” *hits tree with axe* ” Take me for example. I just hate trees.”

@SaltyCorpse

My daughter is one eye roll away from being sold to a traveling circus.

@stephenjmolloy

Me: “I’d like to pay by card.”
Waiter: “Contactless?”
Me: “No, you can cuddle me.”

@erinosgood_

God bless the hundreds of people doomsday prepping at Costco right now and still eating the little food samples sitting out for everyone to touch #coronavirus

@SirEviscerate

Sorry the edible underwear weren’t edible anymore by the time you tried to eat them. It was a long drive to your apartment.

@jwoodham

HOROSCOPE: You’ll read a horoscope today.
ME: Whoa, it’s like they know me.

@bluetractor

I hate it when people call me judgemental

Especially people wearing shoes like that