I do 8 sit-ups every mornin’. Might not sound like much, but there’s only so many times you can hit the snooze button. Merica.
Not even a lifetime of watching horror movies will prepare you for the 1st time your baby says “hi” and waves to the empty corner of a room.
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Me as a detective:
[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]
[evidence catches on fire]
no no no no
*Unexpected item in the bagging area*
Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?
“Not all guys wearing Flannel shirts are Lumberjacks.” *hits tree with axe* ” Take me for example. I just hate trees.”
My daughter is one eye roll away from being sold to a traveling circus.
Me: “I’d like to pay by card.”
Me: “No, you can cuddle me.”
God bless the hundreds of people doomsday prepping at Costco right now and still eating the little food samples sitting out for everyone to touch #coronavirus
Sorry the edible underwear weren’t edible anymore by the time you tried to eat them. It was a long drive to your apartment.
HOROSCOPE: You’ll read a horoscope today.
ME: Whoa, it’s like they know me.
I hate it when people call me judgemental
Especially people wearing shoes like that