My 7-year-old told me that he loves me and hopes I never die, and the only thing that could have made this moment more special is if I wasn’t sitting on the toilet.
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Me: I made the best decision at that time with the information available
Narrator: he plugged his ears and said “la la la la” at the time
Me: you know how in movies someone is yelling at someone else and the sexuality of the exchange overtakes them and they start making out
Wife: yes why
Me: my boss fired me today
Reaction from my kids after explaining how sex works:
“You’ve done this THREE TIMES?”
Can’t, need to go and at least see this gym that I am member of.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because free will is an illusion and both of us followed paths that lead us to this very moment
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: The precise amount I was predestined to
Jesus probably figured things out when everyone kept calling it the Last Supper.
For fun, the next time you
have an attractive waitress-Order a “quickie”
then act surprised when she
tells you it’s pronounced “quiche”
OH AND JUST FYI…. THE BAGS UNDER MY EYES ARE LOUIS VUITTON
The dog version of Die Hard:
– Barkatomi Plaza
– John McGoodboy
– Holly Gennaroof
– Alan Rickman is a mailman
– Arfgyle
*punch*
Oh golly I’m sorry
-No, no, you’re quite alright. Go ahead
No, it’s your turn
*punch*
Thank you
-I’m terribly sorryCanadian boxing
When I was in college our house got robbed. My roommate took the cops to my room and they said wow they trashed this room and she said no that’s just how she lives. I think about that sometimes.
2 things lotion won’t let you do when it’s on your hands because it’s evil:
1) escape the bathroom
2) open a beer
Date Tip: If a date is going well, a series of loud hoots will scare off other suitors
I don’t know what happened but the entire pan of brownies is gone and I only had 4,500 slivers.
me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”
If a woman wears a hair tie around her wrist you can be sure she is always ready for something, like maybe a brisk jog away from men who misinterpret meaningless gestures as every woman wants to be viewed sexually.
I’ve been battered by seafood puns
oh my cod
I’ll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.
Everyone at this whistling convention looks extremely suspicious.
ALBUS: It’s a Time-Turner! We can travel back in time and change ANYTHING.
SNAPE: That’s amazing. We can save-
ALBUS: Nah, gave it to a kid.
me: Pop the champagne
you: Yay! What are we celebrating?
me: what
Mom: I heard Facebook is now called Metal.
Me: It’s Meta but, no, they-
Mom: My phone app still says Facebook.
Me: They didn’t-
Mom: Do I need a Metalbook app now.
Me: No, it’s META and you don-
Mom: I can’t find Metalbook on the app store.
Me [shaking fist at sky]: ZUCKERBERGGGG
Saying you make your own luck is a gross oversimplification. No one ever mentions how hard it is to collect enough leprechaun toenails for a decent batch.
tall people make me nervous. what the hell are you doing up there? stop eating the leaves off that tree
I have the ‘Luck of the Irish!’ Unfortunately it’s the ‘Great Potato Famine’ era ‘Luck of the Irish’.
I feel it
The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.
Him: Will you proofread this essay for me?
Me: Dammit, Todd! I CAN read and don’t need to prove it to you everytime you write something.
me: this could’ve been an email
[gets email]
me: no not like that
*2 ghosts walk into a bar*
That’s it.
Everyone left screaming.