*first day as a vegan*
“Yes, I’ll have the ribeye medium rare, extra vegan please!”
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How the hell can people with kids ever sell anything ‘gently used’?
All my furniture looks like it was in a bar fight.
“It gets better”
– vague
– passive
– civil“Time will put your enemies in the ground”
– specific
– threatening
– goal oriented
nothing will ever burn me quite as bad as when my sister told me i reminded her of those aliens who smoke cigarettes and drink coffee in men in black
Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning
[First day waiting tables]
Customer: do you have wings?
Me: *flaps elbows* no, just regular arms
*rubs temples*
security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!
Just removed my bra, whipped it around my head, and tried to toss it away, but a hook got caught in my hair. Available for bachelor parties.
I’m in quicksand and then I realize it’s actually oatmeal. I start to eat my way out until I realize there’s no sugar, cinnamon or walnuts. Disgusted, I stop eating and let death embrace me.
Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.
“HOW” – dyslexic owl
My computer crashed and I lost some work in progress but luckily the cloud saved those 57 shots my toddler took of his forehead with my iPad in 2014
Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?
Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.
I’ve reached the age and the weight where, when it comes to a fight or flight scenario, flight is not an option.
[Party]
HIM: Hi, I’m John.ME: Hey, I’m Andrew, with a “y”.
HIM: …Where’s the y?
OTHER PARTY GUEST FROM ACROSS THE ROOM: Ugh, why is Andrew here?!
ME: *Finger guns*
my 4yo sniffs out medicine in the popsicles, milkshakes and pudding we give him so quickly he has a promising career as a narcotics dog
“nft” sounds like an onomatopoeia of a little toot sneaking out
I have a coworker with the same first name as me, and my boss is always talking about sending him on trips or assigning him projects, and it makes me anxious even though I know he’s not talking about me.
I bet Beyoncé doesn’t have this problem.
Every Adele song is about lasagna.
BREAKING NEWS: Due to the horrible conditions at Sochi, the Olympics have been moved to a much safer place.. Chernobyl.
If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.
I’m naming all my children after Instagram filters. Hudson, Walden, Valencia, Kelvin, Brannan, Willow, and the twins, Toaster and 1977.
The afternoons I spent on my hair.
Franz Kafka, 1912.
Kid: Why does the tooth fairy want my teeth?
Me: She eats them to strengthen her bony exoskeleton. She must be fed regularly, or she will kill
Man claims world will end Saturday. My producer tried to book him for an interview tomorrow. He said he wasn’t available until next week.
I was going to have a proper career by 30. I’m 47.
Dean Martin: When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie
Neil deGrasse Tyson: I don’t even know where to begin with this
if you ever think that you’re having a bad day just remember, there once was a lady who lived in a shoe
I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby