Not everyone realizes this, but if you clean the pile of receipts out of a purse and stack them together, it makes a teeny tiny book about why you’re broke.
You Might Also Like
When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”
When life hands you alligators, make gator aid.
Sometimes I don’t even know why I bother boiling my underpants.
No coffin for me thanks. I want to be creamated and have my ashes stored in a nice Tupperware container.
*school reunion*
Guy: Reporter is cool I spose. I became a doctor so I could actually help people ya know
Clark Kent: *fist clenched* mmm hm
“Please don’t do this.” – my voice mail greeting
Welcome to working from home. Something is now always being sawed, mowed, or jackhammered at your neighbor’s house.
broke my arm doing a trust fall during a team building zoom meeting
interviewer: what do you mean you don’t have any
me [excitedly]: ask about weaknesses
All my neighbors are meticulously landscaping their yards and I’m over here giving each of my weeds a nickname
Then: Runs 5 miles every morning before work
Now: Picks up a dryer sheet with my toes so I don’t have to bend over
Kids: It’s the first day of spring break and it’s not fair that we’ve been bored all day.
Me, barley conscious: It is literally 10 o’clock in the morning.
this is one of the absolute funniest things hozier’s ever done and i stand by that
my kid: cries cause youtube went down and he can’t watch gamer vids
me: chill out omg. The internet isn’t life.
Also me: TWITTER WTF IS THIS RETWEET QUOTE CRAP?!! I CANT LIVE LIKE THIS.
the revolution will not be YOU HAVE REACHED YOUR LIMIT OF 3 FREE ARTICLES THIS MONTH PLEASE SUBSCRIBE TO READ MORE
sometimes I take the clothes off my treadmill when I run on it & sometimes I just run on top of them
Girls be like “I love you” and then instead of ghosting you and going fishing with the guys, they spend the rest of their lives with you. Be careful out there
[invasion]
*aircrafts dropping from the sky
*explosions everywhere
*mass hysteria
Me scrolling phone: Where was that alien invader gif?
MAN: I’ll get pasta & she’ll have the salad
COW: What’s that mean?
MAN: Uh-
COW: I’m fat?
MAN: … You’re a cow?
PIG AT NEXT TABLE: Ooo
5: water poops dirt
me: only bodies poop
5: you said the lake is a body of water
me: well looks like you’re ready to move out & make it on your own
I get it, you have a philosophy degree, but I just want you to make my latte, not wax poetic about life, okay Baristotle? Extra foam please.
REPORTER: Tell us about the movie
ACTOR: oh man so many pranks
R: But the movie itself
A: lot of pranks
R: The director-
A: we played pranks
dude killed a sea lion with his bike
What does a robot do during a one night stand?
He nuts and bolts
No, you hang up first.
Me to Pizza Hut
*goes shopping without makeup and a hair in the messy bun*
“Hi everybody I ever met since 1999”
If only the person that named “walkie talkies” had been in charge of naming so many more household objects.
Why call it a fake stone you use to hide your spare house key outside rather than a sham rock?
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Hearing now that the government closed the Grand Canyon. Not sure if they roll a tarp over it or how that works.
“Wait, let me explain..”