Not everyone understands my laundry method. It’s simple. If it’s clean, it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty, it’s on the floor over there.
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*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
CHARLIE BROWN: happy holidays!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wampwahwahwah
CHARLIE BROWN: it’s not a war on Christmas, it’s just respecting people who celebrate other holidays
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wahwahwampwah
CHARLIE BROWN: no, Jesus wasn’t white
If you ghost me, I assume one of two things happened
1: you fell in love with me really quickly and overwhelmingly and you couldn’t handle it and knew I would ruin your life forever because of how amazing I am
2: you died
I drink because I care. About me. And drinks.
Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.
Someone’s just thrown a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me. I only received super fish oil injuries, but still.
Hey everyone, my mom’s following me on Twitter now, so ixnay on all the eetstway about the ugsdray and exsay and acismray. Thanks
Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.
Got tazed by security for asking why is it called an airport when it’s on the ground.
Me: My neck is a little stiff
Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis
Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.
My 5yo and 6yo are playing restaurant. My 6yo’s restaurant has a no baby policy. My 5yo has 5 babies and is very angry about this. She’s causing a whole scene at the restaurant. The babies are crying, it’s crazy. I’m trying my best not to get involved in this.
Customer service: how can I help you?
Me: yeah, I’d like to change my security question. My favorite kid is now Josh
Conversational tip: For every minute that you spend talking about yourself, set aside 10 seconds for the other person to say something; give them time to give you a compliment.
I cannot walk on water, But I can wobble on whisky.
Don’t forget to take a screen shot of the weather forecast today and post it on Instagram.
Godzilla’s attack on Tokyo was revenge for the hours he wasted watching Dragonball GT disgrace the legacy of Dragonball Z.
Every time someone calls me an asshole, I stand up like I’m gonna do something about it. Then I just end up stretching while I wink at them.
The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”
People buying plungers never look like they’re in a good mood.
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Bring one of those long grabber sticks so you can take the other guy’s gun away.
It only looks like my kids are having popsicles for breakfast, Brenda, those are clearly frozen smoothies
them: is that a real sword
me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy
My child’s math problem says that Lisa bought 5 loaves of bread that cost $0.25 each and 6 lbs of beef that cost $1.25 per pound and the only information I need is where does Lisa do her grocery shopping.
Just spoke to my wife whiIe twitter was down. She seems nice. She’s a nurse apparently
Me: dance like no one’s watching!
Them: but not naked in the freezer aisle with a frozen turkey to ‘do they know it’s Christmas’!
Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.
[in conference room]
Coworker: What time is it?
Me: Time to get a watch, Carl *moonwalks out of room*