Not everyone was Kung foo fighting
I was just trying to get out of my sports bra
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ah, yes. the elusive llamarshmallow.
Me: “Are you even listening to me?”
My son:
Well well well… looks like someone put on some weight again.
~ my pants right now
me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night
mom: that was actually your father
me: *tearing up* omg does dad know
dentist: the guy in the waiting room says your mother is ugly
patient: he doesn’t even know my mom
dentist: maybe you should punch him in the teeth
IT: So you were hacked? What’s your login?
Me: KENNY…and my password is….
IT: FOOTLOOSE
Me: Wow…How did you know?
IT:
I’m going on my first date in years, and I’ve forgotten the proper etiquette. Do I cry after dessert, or when he’s paid the bill?
INTERVIEWER: what do you consider your greatest strength
ME: …
INTERVIEWER: …
ME (38 minutes later): I’d say promptness
Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except for one. He’s never gonna give you Up.
Me: hey, I’m looking for an email.
iPhone mail: this one from 2012, unrelated to your search?
Me: no it was last week
iPhone: can’t find it.
When you’ve aged 15 years since 2020 and they still tell you that you’re cute
The person who figures out how to marry someone without marrying their family too, will win the Nobel Peace Prize
Just told a customer who’s off to the theatre tonight that I’m off to Wicked tomorrow!! She said “it’s not here in Manchester, I’d know if it was”
Thought “alright musical theatre queen”
Turns out my tickets are for the 2nd of January 2025 🙂 x
it’s called boxing because smash mouth was taken
When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him
One drink, I feel glamorous
Two, I get amorous
Three, a bit stammerous
Anymore than four, I’m on the floor,
all drooly and hammerous
I always go swimming with a spoon in case I need to defend myself from a jellyfish.
[zombie apocalypse]
Me: *fending off my group from trying to kill me* again guys, I’m not a zombie, this is just what I look like without make up
Donald Trump is like the “Scream” movies in that he blurs the line between comedy and horror.
I’m in that magical stage of parenting where I don’t need to change diapers or carry baby gear but I also don’t have to deal with teenage problems yet and my kids still think I’m smart and funny…how do I stay here???
doctor: you’re going to di-
me: disney?
doctor: no
I bet most people learn their neighbor kid’s name not by proper introduction, but by the parents yelling it in a loud voice over & over.
I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey
[walks into a laundromat with a bag of popcorn kernels and heads straight to the dryers]
A mummy comes back to life, and is disappointed to be desiccated and decayed.
“This was a better idea on papyrus”
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
My favourite way to cut carbs is with a knife.
It used be called “talking to yourself” but the new term for it is “podcasting”.
First date Idea.
We tag team wrestle another couple.