NOT EVERYONE WAS KUNG FU FIGHTING, MOM. SOME OF US WERE TRYING TO BREAK IT UP.
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Ghostbusters (1984): A large, jovial marshmallow sailor is burned alive amid the crossfire btwn humans and ethereal beings.
I told y’all leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 😭
is it earth
I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.
interviewer: why’d you leave your last job
me: i heard a loud noise
interviewer: wow what was it
me: my boss yelling get out you’re fired
Wolverine was named that because he was a combination of a wolf and a nectarine I will not be taking questions at this time.
In order for us to go on vacation we need to start by unpacking from our last vacation.
They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?
Heads up! The washing machine doesn’t clean your clothes if you don’t push the start button.
if you want to know how much i love freedom i don’t have an oven we just shoot our food with guns until it is warm enough to eat
“if anyone has reason why this man and this woman should not be wed speak now or forever hold your peace”
*voice in back*
does he even lift?
[she comes home with a doggy bag]
Her: Here, boy, I have a treat for you *sounds of the dog & I fighting to the death*
I’d rather fork than spoon.
My sex life has improved so much I’m thinking of asking someone else to join me…
Here we go again. #MAsnow ❄️
Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog
If you’re wondering what that sound was, I just found a grey hair.
Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vaccumming.
Very suspicious that this keeps happening
Me: I’ll drink to that!
Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”
“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)
The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.
You think cannonballs scream ‘humans’ right before they land in water
[interrogation]
Where were you last night?
“Out killing people”
Louder for the tape
[leans in]
“The Cheesecake Factory, that’s where I was”
[tsunami approaching]
guy: RUN
me: wait why is the T silent
Me- owns 2 pairs of pants
My 8 month old, who has no where to go-
Charlie Brown can only afford the one outfit because he works for peanuts.
Her: The world is gonna end in 30 minutes!!! 30 MINUTES!
Me *ordering a pizza* yeah this will be tight, for sure
Something’s wrong with the selfie camera on my new phone. It keeps making me look like I’m 40.
Went to my niece’s elementary school field day last week.
I won every single event.
Every. Single. Event.