Not everything is a competition and I bet I’m better at accepting that then you are!
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All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon
I’ve been watching far to many episodes of Extreme Homes. I want one made of containers, w/solar panels,heated floors, recessed lighting, indoor pool w waterfall/swim up bar, and windows to the ocean & garden on my roof. Floating.
Sure sex is great but have you pulled a sticker off something in one go?
I’m convinced the first ‘Kirsten’ was a typo. Everyone was like, “Yeah, obvious misspelling but she’s pretty cool so whatever,” and now we can’t get rid of ‘em because we let that first one slide
*reads own tweet*
Haha, so relatable
Most days I wish I were an octopus so I could slap 8 people at once.
HER: Wow, look at all the presents! How did you afford it all?
ME: I used Kohl’s cash.
[police burst through the door with Kohl]
KOHL: That’s the man who mugged me!
Want to know how to get that creepy guy to stop texting you “hey beautiful” every morning? Move in together.
If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.
He said I’d love to look into that beautiful brain of yours.
I said, ok but it’s just like watching a squirrel running through traffic trying to get to the other side really.
And they say flirting is hard.
A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar.
Everyone else in the bar leaves.
When people say “You can fit a million earths in the sun!!!”
I’m like:
Hey. Maybe we shouldnt put any earths in the sun. The sun is hot.
“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”
Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.
My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?
I’m that much of an introvert, I think plenty of people think I’m dead already. So I’ll just turn up to Halloween parties as myself tonight and scare the shit out of everyone.
I’m sorry I said your baby looks like a hairless hamster. But in my defense, you shouldn’t have had a hairless hamster for a baby.
Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.
If the person driving right in front of me comes to a complete stop at a stop sign, I’m like “that was enough for the both of us.”
My 4yo has been wrapping up his toys in newspaper and giving them to me as gifts all morning.
Really wishing right now I had bought him better shit.
Please don’t make me choose pickup or delivery to see your online menu, I just want to practice my drive-thru order
[looks at text from 2 days ago]
Me: Sorry about your car, do you still need a ride home?
Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.
SOMEONE PARKED IN MY SPOT AT WORK. THAT’S IT. I’M GOING HOME.
Saw the baby talking to the air so I’m immediately moving and leaving her behind. I’ve seen this movie before
when i was a kid we didn’t play house. we played courtroom. and let me tell you, i sent my fair share of teddy bears to the electric chair
So psyched! My 1st granddaughter born today:
6lb11oz!
Which is not the name I’d have chosen, but I guess I need to keep up with the times.
My wife tried on my cargo shorts and now they have fake pockets.
Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.
[voice recognition in car]
Car: “please say a command”
Me: “call Tim”
Car: “calling Sarah Marcogliese”