Friday night. Gonna put on my dancing shoes, throw on my coolest shirt, and aimlessly browse Netflix for an hour
Not fat, but not super thin either. I’m more like…what’s the word? Oh, I know. Terrifying.
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If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.
Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.
movie theater manager: im sorry no outside drinks
me: are you kidding me right now
my date: (the kool aid man) it’s fine we’ll just go somewhere else
I work like this:
I WILL PUNCH A HORSE FOR HIS FEED BAG AND EAT YOUR BABY FOR DESSERT.
now it’s the scientists’ turn to hide and the Higgs boson has to find them
WIFE: Can I get your wallet from your back pocket?
ME: [current world hula champion] You can try
Gwyneth Paltrow: does this smell “off” to you?
Me: how can I trust you anymore
My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.
Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?