Not fat, but not super thin either. I’m more like…what’s the word? Oh, I know. Terrifying.
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computer, i’m sad. show me a headline to cheer me up
It’s probably really hard for them to carry their backpacks.
listening to jazz: do any of them know what the other ones are playing
Her: If I get fat will you break up with me?
Me: No but you’re now just two more inane questions away from being buried in the garden.
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
[God creating praying mantis]
Make an insect that does karate
Angel: k
Now make it bite her husband’s head off
Angel: dude we need to talk
This dude got his own movie?
Some moms put cute notes in their kids’ lunches.
Mine say: “Don’t forget you’re grounded so don’t make any plans with friends this weekend. Love you!”
I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie
A kid at the park is wearing a Joker shirt, I am going to slowly take my coat off revealing my Batman T and shit is about to get real.
I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.
“This sausage tastes funny.”
“Funny how? Like it’s made from a clown? Because it’s not. It’s absolutely not clown sausage.”
I used to think LOL meant lots of love.
Oh! You’re Aunt died? So sorry. LOL!Took me years to rebuild friendships.
What if instead of yelling out “Oh God” during sex you yelled “Okie Dokie!”
HER: *Points to my dish* I’ll have what he’s having
ME:*Blocks plate w/ my arms* This is mine
H: No, I mea-
M:*To waiter* Tell her it’s mine
[watching my life flash before my eyes]
God: are you serious? how many times did you watch the office?
me: my mom’s here to visit
him: oh. did you meet her at the bus station?
me: no i’ve pretty much known her my whole life
*sings lullaby*
In the jungle,the mighty jungle,the lion sleeps tonight
If you get up from your bed again, the lion eats your legs
Wimoway..
My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is
My daughter keeps exclaiming, “What in tarnation?” when something surprises her. It’s cute but a little like living with a 3rd Grade Yosemite Sam.
“We just want to find someone who will-”
*sly grin* -Finish our sentences?
“Exactly.”
-death row inmates
Interviewer: “What is your biggest weakness?”
Me: “Answering job interview questions correctly.”
One time I was trying to get a big game to run on an old computer but it didn’t have enough free memory so I compressed the hard drive, twice. That computer never worked again, in case you’re looking for an IT guy.
I don’t understand how spending more money than i earn is irresponsible. i’m giving more than i take. i’m generous.
[street fight]
Come at me bro!!
*guy rips off his shirt revealing bulging muscles
*I rip off my shirt revealing another shirt & run away
Reality called, I hung up. Not today Satan
How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
Cats do not subscribe to the laws of physics.
To tell the difference between an African and an Indian elephant, you look at its ears, then lift one up and shout “WHERE ARE YOU FROM M8?”
I̶t̶’̶s̶ ̶t̶o̶o̶ ̶e̶a̶r̶l̶y̶ ̶t̶o̶ start drinking