@tigersgoroooar

Not going to any more weddings or funerals. Please keep that in mind, friends who are considering getting married or dying.

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@Marlebean

Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill
Do it with mashed potatoes, then play keyboard for the aliens

… I think my cough medicine expired

@GloriaFallon123

To clear a pop-up ad online, I was just forced to agree that “I don’t care about being healthy and smelling clean”

@TheTweetOfGod

Why do bad things happen to good people? To even out the good things that happen to bad people.

@boring_as_heck

“hey we use animals for literally everything else in our lives. lets use our feet for cars.” idiot flintstones. no wonder you’re extinct.

@BlairLoudly

One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby

@Reverend_Scott

A dog needs to be the next president.

“A dog can’t-”

When has a dog ever raised taxes or started a war?

“I’ll start the paperwork.”

@Sychlops

Pretty sure Zinedine Zidane never forgave his parents for all the waiting he had to do for his attendance call in school.

@theshamingofjay

Exclamation point rules

! – good
!! – excited
!!! – awesome
!!!! – starting to get creepy
!!!!! – cheerleader creepy
!!!!!! – own 20 cats

@MustardSally1

I waved to a man because I thought he waved at me.
Apparently he waved to an other woman. So to get out of the awkward situation I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport. I am now in Poland starting a new life.

@chrissyteigen

my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord