Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill
Do it with mashed potatoes, then play keyboard for the aliens
… I think my cough medicine expired
Not going to any more weddings or funerals. Please keep that in mind, friends who are considering getting married or dying.
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To clear a pop-up ad online, I was just forced to agree that “I don’t care about being healthy and smelling clean”
Why do bad things happen to good people? To even out the good things that happen to bad people.
“hey we use animals for literally everything else in our lives. lets use our feet for cars.” idiot flintstones. no wonder you’re extinct.
One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby
A dog needs to be the next president.
“A dog can’t-”
When has a dog ever raised taxes or started a war?
“I’ll start the paperwork.”
Pretty sure Zinedine Zidane never forgave his parents for all the waiting he had to do for his attendance call in school.
Exclamation point rules
! – good
!! – excited
!!! – awesome
!!!! – starting to get creepy
!!!!! – cheerleader creepy
!!!!!! – own 20 cats
I waved to a man because I thought he waved at me.
Apparently he waved to an other woman. So to get out of the awkward situation I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport. I am now in Poland starting a new life.
my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord