Not going to any more weddings or funerals. Please keep that in mind, friends who are considering getting married or dying.
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My parents: “the virus cannot survive in hot places so you need to periodically gargle boiling water and run a hairdryer at your throat”
Me: “…how did you raise me without killing me”
Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt
What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!
[ Police interrogation room ]
Perp: I ain’t telling you shit.
Bad cop: We have ways to make a smooth criminal talk.
Thriller cop: You look like a pretty young thing.
Perp: I moisturize. Still ain’t telling you shit.
I hate it when my Wife says that we need to talk.
It’s always “What’s wrong with you?” and never about sports, beer or bikini models.
2night’s funniest bit: a fellow comic enters the room &, given a choice between talking w/ me & w/ a homeless man, chooses the homeless man.
can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.
My parents are coming so I’ve put drop sheets over the entire house to look like we’re in the middle of painting. I don’t want them to know we live like this.
The first 5 days after the weekend are always difficult😭
look at me when i’m typing to you
Why was a 9 year old allowed on a shooting range. In my school yoyo’s were banned after Jenny got a black eye doing an ‘Around the World’
My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.
Until ChatGPT learns to say, “you promised me that chapter a month ago,” it will never replace editors
“Don’t boil lobsters, because they can feel pain” say scientists from National Institute For Boiling Every Animal Alive To Work Out If They Like It Or Not
funeral catering business:
your loss, our gain
Put a kid in a lake or a river and they never want to come out. Turn on a shower and it’s like you’re blasting them with nuclear waste.
[on my deathbed]
Me: Where…*cough* where is your father?
Kids: *crying by my side* being consoled by your girlfriends.
Me: I’M UP!!!
Adultry does not sound fun at all
Most of the time I fall asleep before I figure out which remote does what again
DOCTOR: you have leprosy
ME: *lmao*
I ran without my headphones today & was reminded that I feel better about my fitness when my soundtrack isn’t my panicked gasping breathing.
Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.
me: [pretends to throw ball for my GF’s dog and laughs]
GF: “you’ll regret that one day”
me: “why?”
GF: “my dog holds grudges”
me: “don’t be stupid”
[one year later]
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
from the back: “WOOF”
If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.
people act so amazed at shroedingers cat being alive and dead at the same time as if they’ve never met someone who works customer service
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
*a friend tells me their problems*
me: mhm, ok, have you tried eating about it?
[driving date home]
me: where do I drop you off?
her: here is fine
me: you live on the beach?
her: *walks into sea*
In a physio waiting room amongst athletes comparing their stories.
I can’t wait until my turn when I tell them I slept wrong on my pillow.
Her: My computer is running so slow!
Me: Really? How many browser tabs do you have open?
Her:
Me: Is it less than 500?
Her: Never mind.