Not gonna lie, I’m pretty proud of this one.
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My first grader wants to go to a haunted house. Not a pretend one, a real one. “I want to fight a ghost,” were his exact words.
At the park yesterday my 4yr old was talking to one of the dads, being all charming and cute, complimenting his tattoos. Then he started telling him about mommy’s tattoos and pointing me out. Good to know I’ve got a good wingman if I ever need one.
Shhhhh! I can’t hear about how God spoke to you! I’m busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.
Got tazed by security for asking why is it called an airport when it’s on the ground.
The wife always talks to herself in the shower. She says that’s how she plans her day.
Don’t like eavesdropping. Just wanna make sure she’s not leaving us.
For fun, the next time you
have an attractive waitress-Order a “quickie”
then act surprised when she
tells you it’s pronounced “quiche”
She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape of an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
What idiot called her a Hot Indian Girl and not a Bomb Bae
[waits until purge night to illegally download music]
You see when you ask for nudes specificity is key. I have a whole camera roll of sphinx cats and I’m not afraid to use it.
Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad
Me: I taught the dog to say the 7 deadly sins
Wife: No you didn’t
Dog: Ruff
Me: See, wrath!
Wife: He said ruff! You can’t teach a dog to
Dog: Gluttony
Wife: Holy shit
This edible ain’t shit.
*5 minutes later
Is it just me or is it hungry in here?
[first day on SWAT team]
SWAT #1: The target is inside.
SWAT #2: Let’s break down the door.
ME: I got this… [knocks] “GIRL SCOUT COOKIES!”<door flies open>
31 years old, still bitterly disappointed by what “carpool” means.
Me: I invited Todd over for dinner.
Wife: Uncle Todd or Todd who takes things literally?
*Todd exits out the back door with our television*
Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly.
Men are like bacon because we’re pigs.
[After performing the Dirty Dancing lift at our wedding]
ME: Well that sure impressed them!
WIFE [gasping for breath] You’re getting heavier
Netflix: Continue watching?
Me: *can’t find tv remote*
Narrator: she was laying on the tv remote, but she never found it because she was too lazy to get up
[girl’s night out]
WIFE: I’m off then
ME: Okay
WIFE: Don’t do anything obtuse
ME: Pfft – give me a break!
{5 min later}
ME *googling obtuse*
If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.
The grammar police are there to ensure proper sentencing.
Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.
I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
Him: I love you to the moon.
Me: And back?
Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.
wife [gives me piece of fruit] Try this
me: Tastes like hand sanitizer
wife: Did you just use hand sanitizer?
me: Yeah
wife
me
wife
me: Why?
Snoop Dogg; Shake what’cha momma gave you.
Me; Ummm… ok.
<vigorously shakes a frozen lasagna>
Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.
6yo: what do old people eat?
me: when I’m old I’m going to eat children.
6yo: you’re joking, mom. you’re already old.