Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…

It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.

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Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….


Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.


Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.


Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.


[Don’t let hot barrista know I’m a goose]
“Can I get you a coffee?”
Just a honk chonklate for me
“A what?”
CHOCOLATE, a hot chocolate plz.


Me:”If you ever give me another gift with ‘some assembly required’, you’re dead to us.”

6:*writing thank you card* But, um..

Me: Write it!


The scariest thing about the Cold War was the threat of getting stuck inside a bunker with your spouse.


*pinching bridge of my nose*

Kid, the sky is blue because it’s made of dead Smurfs, okay? Believe me, I don’t like it either.


Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly

– autocorrect