Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
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Relationships are about compromise. I pretend she’s not watching a Gossip Girl boxset. She pretends I’m not digging her grave in the garden.
Neighbors across the street have their Christmas lights up, so I invited them to my Easter Egg hunt this afternoon.
Nothing is impossible…except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.
I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack
Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.
Yelling at your kid when they’re your height just hits different.
Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.
WIFE: get down here!
ME: *from telephone wire* I’m with my friends
WIFE: why are u wearing fake wings?
ME: *to bird next to me* they’re real
I was mowing the lawn, hit a small rock and it went flying and hit something to the side of me, I looked over and the neighbor’s car had a small dent, I was going to go tell him but then I thought no I better not, he may think I did it.
Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.
[commercial for tupperware]
Are you done with that food, but would rather throw it away in 3 weeks rather than right now?
– Tupperware
Top Seven Cereal Brands with Sexual Innuendo:
6. Lucky Charms
5. Cream of Wheat
4. Grape Nuts
3. Trix
2. Honey Smacks
1. Nut ‘n Honey
A good way to make friends is to crawl under the bathroom stall quickly before they can get away
I’m raising my child to believe there were only 3 ‘Star Wars’ movies.
Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that
Me: why is there a graham cracker in my makeup bag?
4: oh, it’s probably mine.
Me: probably?
Is it normal for a cat to get smarter? When Max was a kitten he was really dumb but now he reads at an 8th grade level
ME: I assume you don’t want your dog to see this?
*slides over pic of him with another dog*
JUDGE: *sweating* Bailiff, release this man.
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Levitates bread*
I went for a walk with the baby and she wanted me to sing some of her songs with her as we walked. After 2 renditions of “Wheels on the Bus” I couldn’t breathe. Beyonce is the greatest athlete alive
I don’t need an alarm clock, I have a 70 lb lab riddled with separation anxiety that wakes up at 5:35 am barking, OH LAWD I AM ALONE FOREVER WHERE ARE YOU DID YOU LEAVE ME FOREVER THIS IS AN EMERGENCY TIMMY IS IN THE WELL HELP ME I AM PANICKING ALIENS HAVE LANDED PLEASE COME NOW
Me: ‘Tell me another scary story.’
Pharmacist: ‘Sir, for the last time, they aren’t stories.’
Hear me out.. fashion bibs for adult messy eaters, like me
[taking FRIENDS quiz]
7. Which character do you most identify with?
Ross
8. Which is your least favorite character?
Ross
I’m going to buy a house near the St. Louis Airport and paint “Welcome to chicago” on my roof to confuse people who are about to land.
poor people: innuendo
rich people: hoteluendo
ME: my wife eats all the caramel corn and leaves the cheese
JUDGE: give this man full custody of the kids
ME: no wait they do the same thing
When life hands you gators, make Gatorade…just kidding-that means life hates you because the gators would totally kill and eat you 1st.
Important news x ( everyone needs this on a Monday morning )
Have no idea why I consider this *so* hilarious. But I do. 🤣🤣🤣