Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
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Husband: *snoring*
Me: [slowly rolls him off the bed with my feet] THUMP
Husband: What the hell?
Me: OMG! Did you feel that earthquake?
Me: *pulls in driveway after not finding what I needed at Target*
[text from wife]: I’m in the checkout line, where r u?
Me: *backs out of driveway*
Everyone who lined up 30 minutes early to board the plane is gonna be so mad when we all land at the same time.
had to tell my son that santa isn’t real in the middle of the night because he was hysterical about a strange man coming into the house, but made him *promise* not to tell his younger sister that he doesn’t exist. so instead he told her that santa’s dead
*catwoman struggles into suit*
*catwoman realises she needs to pee*
*crie*
My 8 year old daughter is either sick and needs constant care or she’s ready to move out and start her life. There’s no in between.
Me: These are my children, Brian & Susan.
Her: What?!? Children? Since when?
Me: Since I’m getting audited today.
Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish
I watched Dexter. Now I’m watching Cold Case Files Classic.
Netflix really needs to decide if I can get away with murder or not.
I’m just gonna give this to you…and you feel free to do whatever you like with it. Nooooo pressure…
*slides deodorant across the table*
My toddler took a sip of my margarita and made an adorable pucker-face. She went back for a 2nd sip and giggled. After sips 3 & 4 she called her daycare friends to say she missed them. Things got ugly with sip 5 when she started blaming her stuffed animals for society’s problems.
ME: For my last wish, I want an infinite number of cooked turkeys.
GENIE: Hmmm. *checks Genie handbook* I’ll allow it.
ME: *begins removing all the wishbones*
GENIE: DAMMIT
Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.
Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.
*has no idea what a book even is*
Me: Maybe I’ll go out tonight
Depression: No, you will cry yourself to sleep instead
Anxiety: It’s my turn and I want you to have a full blown panic attack
Stress Eating: Guys, let’s play together
This kitten is just what my house needed.
Another female that doesn’t listen to me.
Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?
Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?
manipulative people really be like oh so now i’m the bad guy for being the bad guy
Put your family down and pay attention to your phone.
omg we watched the muppet movie for the first time tonight and my 8yo says “oh, kermit! I like him because he’s from all those memes” as if kermit just appeared one day drinking tea saying but that’s none of my business
me: my wife and I aren’t talking to each other
mime teacher: *thumbs up*
i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything
The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.
Hubs accidentally picked up my coffee cup this morning, took a big gulp, and spewed it out across the table. What a waste of good Scotch.
i like when people have names where clearly their parents couldn’t decide between two and they just have to live with Jennica
Go ahead. Order anything you want. Money is no object when we dine at Le Foodcourte du Costco.
perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself
sigh
Me: You know what they say, “sticks and stones may break my bones-“
Doctor: Yes that’s exactly what happened.
Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.