@PyrBliss

Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.

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@OctopusCaveman

Me: Thanks so much for the edible arrangement

GF: I sent you a dozen roses

Me: oh

GF: There’s a lot of blood coming out of your mouth

@thisislizz

Dear Tech Support,

I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?

@SincerelyMen

Voldemort’s parents took the “I got your nose” game a little to seriously.

@JudahWorldChamp

“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.

@Darlainky

I hate getting cut off because I’ve “had enough.” Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?

@honeybadgerMel

I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.

@paulrobalino

Aoccdrnig to Ylae rseaerch, it deosn’t mtater waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are in, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is how mcuh mnoey you hvae

@inmybox07

Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.