Me: Thanks so much for the edible arrangement
GF: I sent you a dozen roses
GF: There’s a lot of blood coming out of your mouth
Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.
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Dear Tech Support,
I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?
*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*
Voldemort’s parents took the “I got your nose” game a little to seriously.
“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.
I hate getting cut off because I’ve “had enough.” Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?
I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.
Aoccdrnig to Ylae rseaerch, it deosn’t mtater waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are in, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is how mcuh mnoey you hvae
Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.