Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.
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*beats dead horse*
*kills two birds with 1 stone*
*lets cat out of bag*
*takes bull by horns*
*breaks camels back*
*gets kicked out of zoo*
[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read
me: omg did you just steal that from the kitchenware department? you could’ve got caught!
him: what can I say, I’m a whisk taker
I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from
I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.
Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die
I actually feel bad for kids who grow up having access to unlimited knowledge. It used to be so easy to lie. When I was a kid someone told me they went to the same synagogue as Sonic the Hedgehog, and honestly I didn’t have enough information to dispute that.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
brian had himself a morning…
For financial reasons, I’ll be giving everyone birthday gifs this year
[travels back in time]
[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]
An English version of Cookie Monster called Biscuit Gentlemen who always wants biscuits but also uses the word please, because we’re not savages.
the hamster has finally figured out her wheel. is it possible for her to exercise too much? should I take the wheel out sometimes? I’m worried she’s about to start a fitness instagram
me: yeah, i’m into fitness…fitness this whole pizza in my mouth.
executioner: did you plan your last meal around this?
My kid: You know what I’m thinking??
Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?
Ghost cat: how’d you die?
Ghost dog: i bit a guy that ran over my best pal and they put me down
GC: i got hit by a car
GD: I know
GC: ilu
I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.
5yo: [loudly whispers] MOMMY, SEE? WE’RE LETTING YOU AND DADDY SLEEP! AREN’T WE DOING GOOD?
Me: [in bed] Yeah. You’re doing GREAT.
Why did they call them buddy cops and not palice?
An elementary school teacher’s most important job is to tell one kid per year they’ll never amount to shit in order to spark their rap career
Potatoes are used to make vodka. Also, potatoes are technically vegetables. The point I’m trying to make is, you do a juice cleanse your way, and I’ll do one my way.
12: Dad, why haven’t we ever eaten at Applebee’s?
Me: Because I love you.
Doctor: what seems to be the problem?
Me: I need to be docted
Doctor: you came to the right place. I’m a doctor. I doct people
What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best
Welcome to adulthood. Your body now crackles like a carnival glow stick when you get up.
Today I worked from home, ran 10 miles, homeschooled my kids, cleaned the house, made a delicious dinner, and got my kids to bed early. It’s amazing what you can accomplish when you lie.
Again this year, I’m giving up Hershey’s chocolates for Lindt…
Proof that kids sometimes listen…
5: Why are you not getting dressed to take me to school?
Me: I’m dressed
5: Those look like pajamas
Me:
5: Did you brush your teeth?
Me: Yes
5: Let me smell
My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.