Wait hamburger chips aren’t potato chip flavored hamburgers I’ve been living a lie
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Wish I had a neck like an owl so when a guy is spooning me right after sex I could turn my head all the way around and say that was awful
Took my 3 year old to a lot of historic sites and whale watching today. Asked what her favourite part was and she said, “The M&M’s”.
Cashier: That will be $82.07.
Me: I’d like to use my 8 trillion rewards points towards this.
Cashier: That will be $82.03.
I’m not lazy
All I said was, Even those starving kids in Africa wouldn’t eat your cooking and my wifes foot became Mayor of my ass on Foursquare.
My cat is trying to kill me. 🤣
i am against victim blaming except for when someone loses their sunglasses in the ocean
Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.
Date: You haven’t dated in awhile?
Me: [Wearing Hulk Hands struggling with a burrito] Why do you say that?
Superman: Cool underwater lair. Can I use the bathroom?
Aquaman: The what?
Me: “Are you even listening to me?”
My son:
All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos.
My husband said he wants someone to scare him on Halloween, so I think I’ll tell him I’m starting menopause.
*Welds all night without incident..
*Burns self getting a pizza out of the oven..
(in starbucks) “i’ll take 450 lattes”
“thats $2,380”
(card declined) “DAMMIT just one then”
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
I’m always hungry
“That’s not what I-”
*takes out a cake* Also, I don’t like to share
God bless the hundreds of people doomsday prepping at Costco right now and still eating the little food samples sitting out for everyone to touch #coronavirus
Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.
I’m going to say sky diving is probably not for me since I just screamed when the toilet seat shifted.
The game? A foot.
The door? A jar.
The Fred? A stair.
20s: insufficient funds
30s: insufficient fun
Obama: “I have no more campaigns to run…because I won both of them”
Biden like 2 years later: LOL OH I GET IT. HES BEEN PRESIDENT FOR TW
got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim
Me: What’s the capital of Ohio?
Son: …
Me: It’s also a famous explorer.
Son: Dora?
Me: Yep. Dora, Ohio.
Then:
Me: I want McDonald’sMom: Do you have McDonald’s money?
Now:
Mom: I want grandkidsMe: Do you have grandkids money??
[holding a séance]
“Dear spirit world, we respectfully ask that you honor us with your presence this evening; which cryptocurrency should we invest in?”
The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.
My signature sex move is what I call “The Heinz Ketchup”.
That’s where I flip you over and spank your bottom until you give me what I want.
My professor doesn’t believe in laser pointers so he uses a fishing pole with a foam finger attached and I can’t contain myself during lecture lmao
I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.