Not helping
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Just had lunch with my 3rd grader at her school. She got embarrassed when I tried to kiss her. So, like any good mom, I started twerking.
Stonehinge
Hurt my hand so now I tweet exclusively with one of those text to speech things comma I think it’s going well full stop send tweet no don’t type that send tweet I said send tweet are you shouting at your phone nobody asked you rebecca wait no don’t send that
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up
dream blunt rotation
How much peanut butter do you guys usually have on your phone?
*regional mathematics tryouts*
Judge: what is 2+2?
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Wife: The kid was holding a sparkler.
Me: …I thought her arm was on fire.
Wife: You hosed her down for 9 minutes.
Just violently swatted an almond with a flip flop if anyone needs a hero
The days of good grammer has went
[terrorist meeting]
“Let’s hit Americans where they gather to shop”
But how will we find these Targets?
“Guys you’re not gonna believe this”
JESUS: [walks on water]
JUDAS: Actually, the body is 60% water so it’s only 40% miracle
JESUS: You’re killing me, Judas
JUDAS: Actually..
[kangaroo court]
Lawyer: I’m afraid my client has jumped bail.
Judge: Who is surprised by this?
My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her.
She bought me eye drops.
“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”
“By mistake?”
“Not you as well”.
GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste
BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice
My Alexa can now understand my toddler.
Pray for me.
Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles
When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.
My teen: How do you not know how to play video games?
Also my teen: So all you have to do is press left, right, up, circle, triangle, square all while holding onto the upper left button.
good prank: sneak into someone’s house every night over a year and replace thier toilet with a slightly larger one until it fills tthe room
I’m 43 years old and still ask if I’ll need a shot and expect a lollipop every time I go to the doctor.
Me: oh no please stop stabbing me
Murderer: your sarcasm is ruining this
Me: I wish Inigo Montoya appeared everytime “literally” is misused and did his “You keep saying that word“ bit
Genie: That ones on the house
If a tiger attacks your mother-in-law and your wife at the same time, whom would u save?
Man : Off course, the tiger.. very few are left
Have some fun at work: End every comment with a long slow wink
“My report is super late”
*long slow wink*“I swear I didn’t drink at lunch”
*long slow wink*“Oh, I’m fired?”
*long slow wink*
Shoutout to my old boss who laid me off on a videoless zoom call during the pandemic AFTER making me work 70+ hour weeks at a 30% pandemic pay cut for over a year. You just saw me walk into corporate of my fancy new job & I waved my badge at you. Your jaw dropped.
Pick it up.
My shower gel is £1 but my washing up liquid is £2. Why am I spending twice as much to clean my plates as I am to clean myself? We’re both covered in the same pasta sauce.