Not many people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist that experimented with cadavers.
His name was Frank
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Cashier: Big weekend plans?
Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.
If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?
Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.
never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around
The secret to fluffy pancakes is gently folding the souls of people who annoy you into the batter.
not saying kids are creepy but my baby just offered me a bite of the teething cracker she was eating, i pretended to take a bite, she laughed, and then she turned to the other side and did the exact same thing to thin air
I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead
Me (a masseur): *applying oil*
Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?
I like to carry binoculars when hiking so that when I make frequent stops it looks like I’m appreciating nature instead of fighting for air
Flirting is a way of life, the moment you stop is when you’re dead … then your spouse cleans the gun and places it in your hand.
Seventh-Grade Class Scrambling To Piece Together Teacher’s Home Life From Desktop Background Before PowerPoint Opened
If you don’t like the idea of wiping someone’s ass in the middle of eating a delicious meal, you probably shouldn’t become a parent.
When people are flirting in the replies to your tweet.
We’ve been sending transmissions into space for 100 years, so of course aliens avoid us. Earth is the douchebag at the beach blasting music on their bluetooth radio.
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
I like when new parents tell you “he calls his one set of grandparents grandma and grandpa and the other grong grong and poodeepie.”
Dear parents,
Just because your kid is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean that they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. But it could mean that they just downloaded a demon from an occult website. Talk to your kids about the dangers of summoning demons through their phones.
Do you think police always say “Do you know why I pulled you over?” on the off chance that you’ll admit to some high crime?
“Shit… Was it the treason?”
I’m so old they didn’t even name my generation. They just called us hoodlums.
I laughed at Yoda for hiding in a swamp
Then again, he’s the only Jedi to ever die from old age
Maybe he knew what he was doing after all.
My class teacher once said “Write and Practice.” Turns out she was right. I practiced on my desk just before I started my exam and it worked
“Wow, cell phones are getting ridiculously big.”
“That’s a smart car.”
If my husband doesn’t start helping with the housework soon, we’ll need a crime scene cleaning crew.
quarantine day 1: filet mignon with bordelaise sauce, charred asparagus and roasted garlic fingering potatoes
quarantine day 5: entire bag of stale marshmallows
quarantine day 7: tequila
“YOLF!”
– immortals, probably
If you threaten to perform a lobotomy on a co-worker, you’ll get a snarky email from HR and they’ll confiscate your Stanley knife.
My mom texted to say she found my younger son’s water bottle in her car and I was like, “yeah, he pretty much sheds reusable water bottles, Hot Wheels and raincoats”
My husband and I have never had couples counseling, but we once had a third person help guide us out of a tight parking spot. Saved our marriage.
I found some pot in my son’s room. Has anyone noticed how odd the word s-p-a-t-u-l-a sounds when you keep saying it over and over?
there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy