*caterpillar looks up at sky*
“My dream is to fly a plane one day.”
Other Caterpillar: You don’t pay any attention in science class, do you?
Not muting your mic is the new reply all
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After I dislodged my head from the drywall, I had 2 thoughts:
1) Wow, this new Metallica song is really good and
2) I may need new drywall
GOD: Alright guys, please read the sex manuals I’ve provided
RABBIT: Oh hell yeah
STUD HORSE: Ah nice
PRAYING MANTIS: What the f–
Pitbull: Hey, what rhymes with “Kodak”?
Nicki Minaj: “Kodak”, duh…
If the sun is so hot how come it’s single
I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.
[Watching 101 Dalmatians with a cute girl]
Hold up, hold up. Pause it, please. Thanks. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine,
*Midwesterners validating weather*
-20 out: “it wouldn’t be that cold without the wind”
99 degrees: “i’m only sweating because of the humidity”
20 degrees: “honestly if ya stand in the sun it’s not that bad”
47 degrees: driving with the windows down bc it’s finally “nice out”
If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally
Her: About last night, please understand that wasn’t me… that was the wine.
Me: Do you have a phone number for that wine?