Not muting your mic is the new reply all

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*caterpillar looks up at sky*
“My dream is to fly a plane one day.”
Other Caterpillar: You don’t pay any attention in science class, do you?


After I dislodged my head from the drywall, I had 2 thoughts:
1) Wow, this new Metallica song is really good and
2) I may need new drywall


GOD: Alright guys, please read the sex manuals I’ve provided
RABBIT: Oh hell yeah


Pitbull: Hey, what rhymes with “Kodak”?

Nicki Minaj: “Kodak”, duh…

Pitbull: Thanks!


[Watching 101 Dalmatians with a cute girl]
Hold up, hold up. Pause it, please. Thanks. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine,


*Midwesterners validating weather*

-20 out: “it wouldn’t be that cold without the wind”

99 degrees: “i’m only sweating because of the humidity”

20 degrees: “honestly if ya stand in the sun it’s not that bad”

47 degrees: driving with the windows down bc it’s finally “nice out”


If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally


Her: About last night, please understand that wasn’t me… that was the wine.
Me: …
Her: …
Me: Do you have a phone number for that wine?