me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
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The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that the dominant male in a pride of lions was called ‘The Mane Man’.
presidents day is just a holiday created by “Big President” to get us to buy more presidents
Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.
My work here is don’t.
Cop: *searching my car*
“WHERE IS IT?
I KNOW IT’S HERE!”Me: *trying to swallow a Nickelback cd*
“IT’S NOT MINE, I SWEAR!”
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day
It is easier to pass a camel through the eye of a needle than it is to convince somebody online that they are wrong.
one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name
Her: How pathetic can you be?
Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.
The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle
The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping
Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.
• You’re born.
• You grow up.
• You believe in Santa.
• You stop believing in Santa.
• You look like Santa.
• You are Santa.
• You die.
Although we’ve been together for 30+ years, my wife discovered only yesterday that I actually do quite a passable Charles impersonation.
It’s completely revolutionised our lovemaking, I tell you.
3yo: dad I’m swimming!
Me: amazing but try not to drink so much of the water!
3yo: I keep drinking the water!
Me: I know don’t drink the water!
3yo: I just drank more of the water!
Me: please stop drinking the water!
3yo: my belly hurts!
Halloween is without question the easiest time of year to kill somebody and just leave their body decomposing on your porch for a month
My daughter asked me if I’d be very upset if she didn’t live with me when she’s a grownup so I told her I’d try my best once I stopped laughing
I carry tumbleweed so I can let it roll across the floor during awkward silences.
When the grid crashes and there’s no other way of communicating, we’ll see whose drum circle is “stupid”.
Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.
Wife: What kind of pants should I wear on the boat?
Inventor of the Kayak: What if the boat WAS your pants?!
I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.
I don’t care who dies in the movie but it better not be the dog.
Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.
Ok, all you people who adopt dogs and put “who rescued who?” stickers on your car… you drive me crazy!
Clearly it’s “who rescued whom?”
The most difficult thing you’ll do as a parent is not rearrange the ornaments after the kids put them on the tree.
Um, hi. How much is the rent for this amazing apartment?
Ma’am, this is the wine aisle of the grocery store.
Thought I had outsmarted my kid and his friend by telling them the baby monitor was a walkie talkie so I could keep an ear on them… and then the snack requests started.