Not now ex-boyfriend. Someone favorited 2 of my tweets. I’m a huge deal around there now & you lost your chance. Just kidding. What time?
You Might Also Like
Meow meow meow
[Wife comes home early]
MEOW!
*cats scramble to untie me from the torture rack*
THELMA I TOLD YOU THE CATS HATE ME I TOLD YOU
30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.
“I’m helping” 😅
What idiot called it Viagra and not medickation?
Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.
another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car
A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house
I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.
A variation! I dont like you people who can fall asleep at the drop of a hat. Its not normal!
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
😏😏😏😏😏
🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️
Husband to me:
If you can’t sleep, turn off your damn cell phone!Husband Awake in bed at 2am on his cell phone:
What?! I can’t sleep.
See ya later, alligator.
After a while, crocodile.
Catch ya mañana, little iguana.
I’m not saying over a year in quarantine has messed with me but a tiny lizard got into my apartment and I was like, “oh good, you made it.”
I once put a cigarette out on someone’s arm for telling me that we didn’t evolve from giant centipedes. I graduated college, I know things.
VILLAIN: *Stroking cat* I’ve been expec-
BOND: OMG your kitty is so cute! Can I pet him?!
V:*Whining* Tiiim, you said this was intimidating!
My mom gave the kids a 1,000 piece puzzle, so tonight, as a family, we will be putting together a list of nursing homes.
Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again
has anyone maybe thought to check on the mom?
Imagine us having sex..
Wrong, more lasagna.
When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago
I wonder what ppl in the year 78 BC thought C stood for.
My pics are real.
I don’t use any filters.
I don’t even use coffee filters.
I eat coffee straight outta the container like a man
I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.
My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪
if u ever feel insecure just remember that there is at least one couple where your name is a sensitive topic. kinda sexy of you to be that important
Before I got a phone I used to just stare at my right hand all day
*Interrogation Room*
Detective: We know you took the teeth and the dental records.
….
Detective: Look, I’m just trying to do my job here.
Tooth Fairy: So am I!
There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t think about that Backstreet Boy asking his pals, “am I sexual?” & they’re like, “yeah.”
Me: My therapist says I use sex for validation.
Parking garage attendant: Not here you don’t, pal.
I’m sorry I didn’t respond to you, I was arguing with someone in my head and I can only give my attention to one person at a time.